Tuesdays with Tom: Which Band is Your NFL Team Most Like?
Identifying the best fit between NFL teams, their fans and famous musicians; plus thoughts on the upcoming football season, mixed reality headsets, live sports bundles and viral sensations
In the past, I’ve written an exhaustive preview of the upcoming NFL season. I’m trying something different this year. I know that not every person who reads this is a hardcore football fan and I’m looking for a challenge. This year, I’m going to compare every team and their fans to a famous musical artist. I’ve spent way more time thinking about this than I should have. I tried to find the most thematically fitting connection between teams, fans and artists. I have no doubt that people reading this will have strong feelings about what I decided and I welcome any commentary on it. This should go well, right?
Arizona Cardinals - The Chainsmokers
When I think about Arizona, I think about bachelor parties, bros in golf attire, scantily clad bottle service girls and outrageously hot temperatures. People are there for a good time and it’s heavy on transplanted residents from elsewhere. Who better to represent this area and its forgettable football team than The Chainsmokers? This electronic duo blasts radio-friendly bops that demand nothing but your energy. There’s little substance, but if you’re buzzed enough you can enjoy it. Once every five or six years, they crank out a new hit. But they’re totally inessential and most rational people don’t care about them.
Atlanta Falcons - Ja Rule
They’ve had a few memorable moments, but seem more focused on living a lavish lifestyle over winning games. Nobody thinks they’re an all-time great. Unfortunately, their most high profile moment was the most epic collapse in the history of their league. Sometimes it’s blowing a 25-point lead in the Super Bowl. Other times it’s quitting the Fast and Furious franchise after the first film and watching your career go up in smoke simultaneously. There might not have been anyone cooler in 2002, but that’s about all they can hold onto these days.
Baltimore Ravens - Nas
A universally respected artist who is more admired than beloved by most. They have never changed their style despite ample opportunities to follow the trends of their industry. But they can always point to their one masterpiece album (even I can admit that Illmatic is the 2000 Baltimore Ravens of rap albums) and their lyrics are among the best in their field.
Buffalo Bills - Nirvana
They had a brief yet massive peak in the 1990s. But they fell short of their full potential in a tragic fashion. Their mournful history is often discussed. Their intense fans worship the team despite little production in the 21st century. It’s very trendy to be a Nirvana fan three decades after Kurt Cobain’s death. Bills Mafia operates in a similar fashion. I know grunge was created in Seattle, but this parallel is as fitting as Nirvana’s iconic smiley face logo on an unassuming youngster.
Carolina Panthers - Imagine Dragons
I’ve never met someone who loves them, but I know they exist. Even though they’ve been around for a while, they still feel kind of new. At one point, they were very popular and they came close to winning it all nine years ago. But that felt fluky even in the moment and their signature MVP season is an outlier in another otherwise unremarkable career. You don’t hear a lot of conversations about them.
Chicago Bears - Jimmy Buffett
The tailgates are incredible, but they are usually the peak of the day. It’s been almost 40 years since they wrote an all-timer and they have milked that past reputation into a widespread fan economy. The self-aware fans know this and look the other way. The rest of the lot are notorious party animals. And no matter what, they always show up in droves to watch the same song and dance most of the time.
Cincinnati Bengals - Machine Gun Kelly
Nobody thought they were cool until a few years ago. Then they got a gorgeous celebrity girlfriend, made an unexpectedly catchy rock album and suddenly they were the talk of the town. How quickly did we forget about their much maligned career in rap? In fact, they flamed out of rap so badly that they switched genres, changed their look and pretended that none of that ever occurred. The new fans are blissfully unattached to their uninspiring past. The diehards are nervously praying that the Cinderella ride of relevance never ends.
Cleveland Browns - Chuck Berry
Everything about them is a “remember when” conversation. Remember when Chuck Berry launched rock ‘n roll in America? Remember when blues was the dominant genre in the 1950s? Remember when Otto Graham was the GOAT? There was a brief cultural comeback for Chuck Berry with Back to the Future in 1985, but even that is a distant memory for most. We’re running out of people who actually remember these things and it’s been a long time since anyone outside of the old guard really cared about their present.
Dallas Cowboys - Taylor Swift
This is a team that markets an above average product like it’s the greatest thing ever made. They have annoying, self righteous fans that are relentlessly defensive about the legacy of the team. Every innocuous move is breathlessly dissected and it’s impossible to avoid a conversation about them.
Denver Broncos - Dave Matthews Band
In the late 1990s, things were absolutely rolling, with a couple of Super Bowl wins and successful albums to their name. They kept their hot streak going for a while in the 2000s and their Super Bowl window in the early 2010s was pretty memorable, too. The cult-like devotion to its central figure is off-putting to non-fans, but you’ll never convince the diehards that it's unjustified. These days there is a lot less enthusiasm for them. People are starting to say the quiet parts of Broncos and “Dave” fandom out loud. Were they always there for the music? Or do they just love getting stoned outside in a beautiful venue?
Detroit Lions - Nickelback
It’s been quite a journey for this team and their fans. For decades, they’ve cranked out alternative rock songs that received polarizing responses. They were beloved. Then they were ridiculed endlessly. Now it’s come all the way back. No one is ashamed to be a fan in 2024. In hindsight, they might have sucked often, but they never did anything egregious off the field. Of course, it could all fall apart any second, which these fans are acutely aware of. For now, they will take the boost in popularity and hope that it lasts as long as possible.
Green Bay Packers - Phish
Their longevity is downright shocking. There should be a narrow audience for improvising jam bands, but they are improbably one of the most popular acts in the game. Don’t you ever ask these fans to prove their credentials. They’ll rip your head off with any snide comments. They are obnoxiously passionate. They will take over your town for a weekend and leave it in the dust. It’s an extreme flavor that many don’t care for, but the ones who do cannot get enough.
Houston Texans - Zach Bryan
Country music is popular by default in certain regions of America, just like football is in Houston with the Texans. But until recently this team had fizzled out of the picture like Florida Georgia Line and other generic pop country artists. Last year, a new star came into town and revitalized the genre with a fresh approach. There’s an undeniable talent on display and it’s just different enough to make you think that country music isn’t doomed forever. People are loving what they’re seeing from the Texans these days.
Indianapolis Colts - Fall Out Boy
No one will ever forget their epic run in the 2000s. The explosive, artistic offenses nor the incredibly catchy pop punk jams. Things have changed a lot since 2011, but they’re still respected for their all-time bangers. However, it’s been awhile since they made a hit song despite changing styles frequently.
Jacksonville Jaguars - Limp Bizkit
It’s very hard to take them seriously. They started off white hot in the late 1990s with a wild cast of characters. They’re like cicadas. Every 10-15 years they randomly re-emerge and cause chaos. Any serious fans are weird maniacs. Just about everything they do is off kilter. There’s an obvious “Florida Man” connection to make here with Limp Bizkit’s look and the meme-ified Floridian psycho.
Kansas City Chiefs - Destiny’s Child to Beyoncé
They were a fun band, but things changed dramatically when one person became the focus. A superstar so overwhelming that they completely took over the group. Their mere presence has changed the way people think of them retroactively. Eventually, the star splits off into their own solo act that’s so unbelievable, people proclaim their all-time greatness at a shockingly young age. In turn, the group’s legacy is not about the whole, but rather the start of a legend’s story.
Las Vegas Raiders - KISS
It’s hard for a bunch of guys in make-up and costumes to seem sexy, but they’ve committed for life. They walk a very fine line between cool and corny. Their prime was squarely in the 1970s and 1980s and their iconic look is one of the all-time standouts in their industry. You can’t tell the story of the league without them. They might not be good anymore, but they're always having a damn good time.
Los Angeles Rams - Coldplay
They are trying so hard to be the coolest band that ever lived. They ran towards a mainstream audience and never looked back. They will never be fully embraced, but they don’t care. Frankly, they don’t seem very genuine. There’s something detached and cold to the touch about them.
Los Angeles Chargers - Mumford and Sons
Their brief apex in their sub-genre catapulted them to a huge level of fame. But years later, it's hard to explain why it was so popular. It was en vogue to say you were a fan for a while. Now it’s kind of embarrassing. They were better off in their little bubble with their real fans before they immediately got overexposed and placed in a market that never really cared about them.
Miami Dolphins - Steely Dan
They wrote some of yacht rock’s greatest songs in the 1970s and then basically called it a day (can you say “the 1972 Miami Dolphins” with me?) The team motto is essentially “here for a good time, not a long time” and their fans are fickle -- much like yacht rock’s swaying levels of sincere appreciation and popularity.
Minnesota Vikings - Cheap Trick
There’s an “always a bridesmaid but never a bride” feeling associated with them. They had some great moments in the 1970s and their catalog is much deeper than you’d think. But they’ve never really gotten their flowers compared to their much more famous peers. Perhaps one day they’ll have a moment of eternal glory, but counting on it is a fool’s errand at this point.
New England Patriots - U2
They are clearly a great, Hall of Fame group. But their pompous fans will never let you forget it. They also want you to conveniently ignore their weird indie era before they made it big. There’s a debate about which of their two biggest figures is the more important one. They have a lot of haters. But they have the stats and cultural footprint that they can always point to no matter what the haters say.
New Orleans Saints - Lil Wayne
In 2006, they transformed themselves from a complete joke into the biggest act on the planet. The fuel of this franchise is a unique, short man who took a flamethrower to the league with a staggering amount of bangers year after year. Everyone wanted a piece of this guy and we’ll never forget how amazing he was in 2009. Despite his aggressive approach to life, he lasted a lot longer than most predicted he would. The current version isn’t so great, but you can’t deny that it was very fun when they were at their best.
New York Giants - Red Hot Chili Peppers
If you’re looking for a group that has soaring moments of glory across multiple decades, with pockets of ineptitude in between, here you go. Nobody would argue that they are still in their prime, but they can randomly whip up a good record and sell out another worldwide tour on a whim. Their biggest hits are among the most celebrated in their industry’s history.
New York Jets - Ozzy Osbourne
You want to talk about someone who peaked 50 years ago and has never recovered? Try this on for size! They are known more for their antics and transgressions than anything they did on the field. Both are seemingly cursed with terrible luck and their decrepit, arrogant leader is permanently stuck in his glory days. The new frontman’s gimmicks are pretty annoying, too. Actually, everything about them is annoying.
Philadelphia Eagles - The Dropkick Murphys
When your brand identity is drunken fist fights and aggressive shit talking, you’re bound to be disliked. These fans have booed Santa Claus, attacked opposing mascots and intentionally vomited on a child at a game. But for all the tough talk, what exactly are they celebrating? They didn’t win a Super Bowl until seven years ago and even that was pretty random. They definitely have some energetic tunes in their discography. But for all the over-the-top passion, you would think they were supporting The Beatles. Instead, it’s for a decent Celtic punk band that peaked in a Boston movie.
Pittsburgh Steelers - The Rolling Stones
You can count on these guys for reliable, almost boring consistency, decade after decade. They dominated the 1970s, but have remained a constant presence in the years since their peak. Like it or not, they never change. Their constant talk of the past is a little grating. However, you have to respect their legendary run forever and they still look okay for their age.
San Francisco 49ers - Fleetwood Mac
This group’s memorable run changed everything. Whether it was Bill Walsh’s West Coast offense or their ever-evolving sound and lineup, the hits came early and often. They somehow had two iconic singers who actually got along (until they didn’t) and led separate eras of the band. Every time you thought they were finished, they came roaring back with a different spin and new people leading the charge.
Seattle Seahawks - Skrillex
After toiling away listlessly as an emo rocker, they swapped acoustic guitars for a computer to make something called dubstep. Out of nowhere, they dominated the industry for about four years. They took an obscure genre, made it extremely popular and watched lots of copycats try to emulate them. That’s basically what Pete Carroll did with the Legion of Boom and their back-to-back Super Bowl appearances coincides perfectly with Skrillex’s peak. But eventually, they ran this instantly outdated style into the ground and held onto it for way too long.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Creed
They are considered a joke throughout most of their career. But they have swayed back and forth in quality and popularity over that same stretch. They had a random apex in 2002 and a retroactive re-appreciation in the 2020s after many years of ridicule. It’s okay again to label yourself as a fan (until further notice).
Tennessee Titans - The Chicks (formerly known as The Dixie Chicks)
It starts with a name change that’s inarguably a downgrade from the original. If you still think of them today, it’s because you’re a diehard fan. There’s no casuals following this group. 1999 was easily their best year. If you like generic pop country music, they are right up your alley. But they lack the staying power of other country artists and identifying swarms of loyal listeners is difficult to do in 2024.
Washington Commanders - Guns N’ Roses
They’d love to go back to the late 1980s and early 1990s when they were the biggest bad-asses alive. What an incredible time for them and their fans will always cherish it. But for the last 30 years, they’ve been mired in scandals and have gradually grown irrelevant. They look nothing like they did back then today. It would be a lot sadder if it wasn’t so predictable.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
In the last two episodes of Friday Night Beers, Vince and I drank Labatt Blue and Jalapeño Pepper Ale. We figured out that Vince’s nostalgic love for the brand rivals my own for Mexican lagers. Vince took me through a trivia round called “They’re Canadian?” as I tried to guess which celebrities quietly hail from Canada. We used the spicy taste of Jalapeño Pepper Ale to go through some hot college football takes and predictions. In the same episode, we revealed our picks for our annual college football bet. Please subscribe, rate and review our podcast here and follow our Instagram page for relevant updates!
It’s no coincidence that I posted this two days before the NFL season kicks off on Thursday night with the two-time defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs hosting the Baltimore Ravens. No team has ever won three straight Super Bowls, but the Chiefs are the deserving favorites to make NFL history. Are there other teams that could challenge them? Absolutely. They had a weird off-season, but talent wise they are the team to beat. Everyone else is chasing them until further notice.
It is surprising that more people aren’t talking about the epic flop unfolding with the Apple Vision Pro. It’s been available for six months, for the eye-popping price of $3,500, and Apple has only sold around 100,000 units of the product in the United States. Apple Vision Pro users seem to agree that while the technology is impressive, there’s nothing about the experience that justifies such an outrageously high cost. Even if you disregard the price, the device itself weighs about one-and-a-half pounds. I think Apple seriously overestimated how much people were willing to wear that on their head for a good chunk of the day. It looks silly and it’s disorienting. It’s not just Apple that’s feeling suddenly squeamish about mixed virtual reality headsets. Meta is pulling the plug on their competitor product. It’s a helpful reminder that even the most successful and innovative companies make mistakes.
Speaking of doomed products, Disney, Warner Brothers and Fox were dealt an unexpected blow from the federal government. Their new streaming service, Venu, is being blocked from launching due to antitrust concerns leveraged by FuboTV. Venu was preparing to offer a $42.99 per month streaming service that will feature “all three companies’ portfolio of live sports, including the NFL, NBA, NHL and MLB.” Fubo’s argument to U.S. Judge Margaret Garnett is that Venu is bad for consumers and would deal a critical blow to Fubo’s own skinny bundle streaming product. Right now, that argument is working for Fubo and others in this space. Time will tell if Venu gets off the ground, but I have bigger concerns for them. They’re trying to thread a very tight needle that has a questionable fit for their target audience. This “sports only” bundle doesn’t include 40% of the channels with live sports. It’s not that much cheaper than other skinny bundles, like YouTube TV, and many sports fans already pay for those happily. What’s the benefit of saving $30 per month if you’re missing out on essentially that much live sports content? Additionally, TNT is going to lose NBA rights starting in 2025. That hurts the use case for Venu long term. Frankly, this is a half baked product that doesn’t offer much differentiation than the competition.
It’s been a female-first summer for viral sensations. Between the inexplicable staying power of the “Hawk Tuah” girl, Chappell Roan’s “HOT TO GO” explosion and Sabrina Carpenter’s Espresso-fueled emergence, there’s no shortage of women making noise. Charli XCX’s “brat summer” movement got presidential candidates and random men doing things they never imagined doing. But there’s a new contender in this highly specific category. I knew something was up when I repeatedly heard the phrase “very demure” used by unconnected TikTok accounts. The source of the phrase is a TikTok user named Jools Lebron (there might not be a more “extremely online” account name than this.) What started as a way to highlight her “very demure” look has transformed into a catch-all approach to being modest in all aspects. Demure means to be reserved, modest or even shy and is typically associated with women. It’s amusing to me that this “very demure” trend is being embraced on TikTok, which has an overabundance of creators that love being the center of attention. On one hand, I have no serious qualms with an innocuous Internet movement that clearly isn’t intended for me. On the other hand, it is yet another example of TikTok users repackaging very standard ideas as new and revolutionary advice. It’s a mild nuisance, but my goal isn’t to pass judgments on these types of viral trends. I should be on my phone less. I'm increasingly feeling like a dad at a concert with his young daughter when I use social media.