Tuesdays with Tom: The Winter Games
If there’s been any consistency with these initial writings, you could argue it’s been “Tom makes comments on a topic he’s interested in”. I’m switching it up a bit today. I’m going to offer solely my uneducated opinion on events I can assure you I know nothing about. You may have heard but the Winter Olympics kick off this week in PyeongChang, South Korea. Outside of an implied sense of national pride, you may not have a ton of interest in this worldwide event (although NBC has $7.75 billion reasons to offer why you should!). Frankly, I don’t really either, but it’s going to be on TV for the next two weeks and I’m a curious guy. I’d like to know a few things before choosing to tune in. That said, I’m going to give you a quick glance at every single sport in the 2018 games so you can impress people at cocktail parties or make your Tuesday night more interesting and patriotic. I’ll be evaluating this under four pieces of criteria. See below and here we go.
Alpine Skiing
Explained in One Sentence: Skiers race down very large mountains at very high speeds.
Coolness Factor: This looks very cool. Mountain-side spectacle, fast-paced events, great sense of danger. You could make a movie about an Alpine skier in a heartbeat. It will be hard to top this one.
How Would I Fare: Considering I’ve never skied in my entire life before, I might die doing this. That’s not great. I’d be a near guarantee to break my legs if you just dropped me down one of these slopes. That might be entertaining for a Jackass movie, but for the Olympics? Not so much.
Can the US Win: Lindsey Vonn is arguably the most well-known U.S. Olympian this year and she’s competing in this one. Mikaela Shiffrin is the reigning gold medalist in the slalom and she’s the favorite to repeat again. So in short, good shot the U.S. walks away with some hardware here.
IN OR OUT: This is an easy one. I am definitely IN. Might even record it so I can catch all the action.
Biathlon
Explained in One Sentence: A cross-country ski race AND a long range shooting competition all-in-one.
Coolness Factor: Cross-country skiing sounds pretty boring, but the shooting element brings this back up to medium-coolness. I don’t really know the practical benefits of knowing how to ski and shoot simultaneously, but I’m glad we give out medals for people who can do both.
How Would I Fare: There are time penalties that you can accrue when you miss targets shooting. That’s where I’d be in big trouble. I could probably figure out how to ski on flat land. Much easier than down a mountain. But still, I’d struggle.
Can the US Win: The US has never won a medal in this event. Ever.
IN OR OUT: Unless this was a scene in a Bond movie I missed, I’m probably OUT on this one.
Bobsled
Explained in One Sentence: A group of 2-4 people jump into a giant sled and ride it down a track really fast.
Coolness Factor: This sport gained a large swath of popularity from the movie Cool Runnings, which was loosely based on the real-life 1988 Jamaican bobsled team that qualified for the Olympics. I question whether or not the sport would seem cool on its own merit, but I’m going to go with the consensus and say: it’s cool.
How Would I Fare: I could totally do this. For one thing, I’d have three other guys with me helping me out. We could all run up together and as long as I’m not the driver it seems like I could just lean my body when I need to. Who knows maybe they’ll call it Tomsledding when my career is over.
Can the US Win: Elana Meyers Taylor and her team won silver for the women’s in 2014. She also competed internationally with 3 other men and had success. I think we’ve got a good chance in the ladies category.
IN OR OUT: By insisting I’d succeed doing this, I am IN.
Cross Country Skiing
Explained in One Sentence: A group of people race through a course, but on skis on flat land.
Coolness Factor: Sorry but this definitely isn’t cool. Is this the skiing equivalent of watching snails race? On the flip side, it does seem quite safe compared to the other skiing events
How Would I Fare: Which is why I think I’d do better in this event than others. I am going to take my time and hope for a Tortoise and the Hare style outcome for me and the other racers. Slow and steady.
Can the US Win: Supposedly we are well behind other European nations in this event. Most of my cross-country journeys involve planes and cars anyways.
IN OR OUT: I am O-U-T OUT!
Curling
Explained in One Sentence: A bunch of people furiously scrub mops on an ice rink to push a large stone as far as possible.
Coolness Factor: I know. It sounds completely ridiculous. And it is. But that’s why I am ruling this cool, in an upset. The fact that this has made it all the way to the Olympics is a testament I must admire.
How Would I Fare: This is a sport I feel like anyone could learn in one afternoon of day-drinking. So I’m going to go out on a limb and say I’d fare WELL.
Can the US Win: The best the men ever finished was third in 2006. They haven’t done much since but with the return of the ‘06 team captain Jon Polo, people think we have a shot to make history this year.
IN OR OUT: I’m 100% IN for this.
Figure Skating
Explained in One Sentence: Individual and team skaters dance around a rink and do creative jumps and spins -- with fancy clothing on.
Coolness Factor: This one is a toss-up for me. As a man, I’m supposed to think this is a “girly” sport and thus immediately rendering it lame. On the other hand, there is a level of athleticism I have to respect with skating. But it’s not all that exciting. I’m saying this is a wash.
How Would I Fare: My only shot here is to take the Will Ferrell in Blades of Glory approach and hope this set of judges has a sense of humor. I could cook up a very funny routine in that case. Otherwise, I’d be terrible.
Can the US Win: Tonya Harding continues to remain relevant in popular culture long after her career ended. Otherwise it’s been a long time since U.S. figure skating hit it big time. But Nathan Chen has a chance to medal in the men’s category.
IN OR OUT: It’s close, but I’m OUT (unless comedy becomes a major player in future Olympics)
Freestyle Skiing
Explained in One Sentence: Instead of racing down mountains, skiers perform tricks on a closed snowy halfpipe.
Coolness Factor: Definitely one of the coolest events in my eyes. Takes away a bit of the danger from Alpine Skiing and replaces it with an X-Games/Mountain Dew kind of vibe that the Olympics sorely lacks in most events. Chicks dig tricks.
How Would I Fare: It would be a miracle for me to build enough momentum to get up a ramp and come back down safely. Unless that’s an impressive trick, then I’d be horrible! I could do a killer surfer accent instead.
Can the US Win: Maddie Bowman and Joss Christensen are defending champs from 2014. I don’t know if Joss is a girl or a guy, but good for them!
IN OR OUT: I would tune IN for this one.
Ice Hockey
Explained in One Sentence: Two teams of sweater-dressed animal men chase a puck around a rink and try to slam it into a net for fun.
Coolness Factor: Hockey was my incoming favorite for coolest sport in the Olympics. It’s definitely in the discussion. But for reasons I’ll get into in a few sentences, you’ll see why it’s not my top choice.
How Would I Fare: This is the only Winter Olympic sport I’ve attempted to play, but it was before George W. Bush was elected president. My role on a hockey team would be the grizzled veteran who gives a few hard shifts a game. I’m the guy the players go to in the locker room for a laugh and moral support. But I grow a great beard and I’m well respected.
Can the US Win: Olympic hockey lost a lot of credibility this year when the NHL decided their players wouldn’t be allowed to participate (which is why it lost it’s top coolness title that I made up). Only amateurs and retired players can participate now. It was hard enough for the US to win medals when they had pro players. Now they would need a Miracle on Ice (wait a minute!!)
IN OR OUT: I would still say I am IN, but it’s not an enthusiastic choice.
Luge
Explained in One Sentence: Jumpsuit-wearing humans get into a small sled and go 90 mph down a slide with just a helmet to protect them.
Coolness Factor: This sport scares the shit out of me. That’s not cool. But the sport kind of is. Imagine if you did a pencil dive off a diving board at 90 miles an hour. That’s pretty much what the luge is, but instead of refreshing water, it’s hard-as-rock ice. These guys are the Evil Knievel of the winter games.
How Would I Fare: I don’t want to find out because I am certain I’d be squashed into pieces. I like my sled rides relaxing or shared with Jamaicans.
Can the US Win: Erin Hamlin is a three-time Olympian and she thinks they can win gold. Good enough for me!
IN OR OUT: I might close my eyes the whole time. But I’m IN.
Skeleton
Explained in One Sentence: This is basically the Luge, but you go HEAD FIRST
Coolness Factor: What?! The Luge isn’t crazy enough? Is this sport called Skeleton because you are certain to become one during the race? This just became the coolest sport.
How Would I Fare: I will eventually become a pile of bones (BONES!) but that will not be because I’m competing in this sport.
Can the US Win: For the sake of American athletes, I hope they come out of this alive and they all get participation trophies
IN OR OUT: I’m OUT (okay I am probably IN)
Nordic Combined
Explained in One Sentence: You do a big ski jump and then a cross country ski.
Coolness Factor: Sounds like the biathlon but with no guns? Nordic Combined would be a killer band name, but this event doesn’t sound too fun.
How Would I Fare: If we do the jump second, I am halfway home on cross country skiing. Then I’d be toast.
Can the US Win: Apparently they changed the scoring to emphasize the jump portion of this event. White Americans aren’t famous for their jumping skills.
IN OR OUT: Yeah, I’m OUT
Short Track Speed Skating
Explained in One Sentence: Several skaters race on ice around a tiny ice rink
Coolness Factor: This doesn’t sound cool, but it DOES sound very funny and entertaining.
How Would I Fare: If you needed me to trip other racers up in a sabotage effort, I’d be your guy. I look terrible in hats and I think that would also transfer over to helmets. Full body jumpsuits though? I can get behind that.
Can the US Win: J.R. Celski is the world record holder and defending gold medalist for the U.S. What ever happened to Apolo Ohno? He made the chin beard acceptable for a brief period of time.
IN OR OUT: I’m out because I had a very sad chin beard for far too long. Thanks Apolo.
Long Track Speed Skating
Explained in One Sentence: It’s the same sport but it takes longer to watch.
Coolness Factor: Longer races and I already wasn’t that thrilled? I think it’s safe to say this is uncool.
How Would I Fare: This is still a race after all so I’m not going to do well, but since I’m not contorting my body tightly I have a better chance here.
Can the US Win: The best thing this article previewing the event can say about the US participants is that they “aim to get to the podium in 2018.” Well, I’d certainly hope so!
IN OR OUT: OUT
Ski Jumping
Explained in One Sentence: Perhaps the most self-explanatory Olympic sport
Coolness Factor: As impressive as it is to see humans jump incredible distances on skis, I am not that fired up about this. I feel like you can still see massive jumps in other more interesting events.
How Would I Fare: While it goes without saying I’d be extremely bad, I’m still going to say I’d be extremely bad.
Can the US Win: Only one member of the 2014 women’s team is returning this time around. So the odds are not looking great.
IN OR OUT: It’s a close call, but I’m leaning towards being OUT.
Snowboard
Explained in One Sentence: All of the skiing events, but on snowboards
Coolness Factor: Immediately way cooler than skiing and I know it’s a stereotype but who cares. Snowboarding is inherently cool. It’s pretty hard to look like a loser on a snowboard.
How Would I Fare: My experience snowboarding is limited to playing the game SSX Tricky on Gamecube as a child. I’ve been told that real snowboarding is harder to learn than skiing. I can’t do either, so I guess I have to assume I’d be even worse at snowboarding. But I could be a cool-looking idiot on a snowboard.
Can the US Win: Shaun White is still hanging out for the men’s team. New to the Olympics is 17-year old Chloe Kim who became the first woman to land back-to-back 1080s in a competition last year. I could barely serve customers dinner as a 17-year-old. So I’m pretty impressed with her progress thus far in life.
IN OR OUT: I’m most certainly IN for this.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
Follow-up from last week’s newsletter: Phil predicts 6 more weeks of winter.
I’m not saying that my impromptu weekend trip to Philadelphia last year was anything more than that but...Fly Eagles Fly!
You may or may not recall the newest Matt Damon movie Downsizing. Here’s an example of a great trailer that completely misrepresents what the movie is actually about. Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask Damon’s character himself when he verbatim says in the film “If you had told me 10 years ago that I would be five inches tall helping a Vietnamese amputee put on her leg at a retreat with Dr. Jørgen Asbjørnsen, I would have said you were crazy.” Anyone would think that was crazy and so this is extremely strange film.
After last week’s dive back into the world of Lord of the Rings, I wrapped up the series by watching Return of the King. Great film as usual, but I do have one fresh observation. Way more out of nowhere character singing in this movie than I remember! Pippin’s song with Denethor is cut like a Tim and Eric video. Aragorn busts out a song shortly after he’s crowned the King. Can you say LOTR musical?!
A few weeks ago I mentioned that I had a nice laugh about the thought of adults calling their parents mommy and daddy. Then I saw the video of Tom Brady making out with his 10-year old son while getting a full body massage. I take back what I said -- this is 1 million times weirder and funnier. No parents should be doing this with their kids. And the best part was Brady was egging it on. “Come on that was just a peck!” How about a passionate lip-on-lip kiss for your wife instead of your son you clown!