Tuesdays with Tom: The Top 10 Worst Chicago Bars
I got a special one for you today. It is my 200th newsletter. The topic? Chicago bars. I’ve been going to bars in Chicago since I was in college. By my math, that’s close to a decade of Chicago bar experience. I feel comfortable saying I know a good one from a bad one. I try not to get too inside baseball with the Chicago references here. But lately my friends and I have been discussing what are truly the worst Chicago bars out there and I have a large Chicago-based following. Of course, this is a polarizing topic. You may think that certain bars are the Taj Mahal and I think that they’re a landfill. However, there are specific qualities and factors I consider when evaluating bad bars. I think you will find that there’s a common theme with the ones that make my official Top 10 Worst Bars in Chicago list. I’m ready to defend my takes and if you like one of the bars on this list, you can take your complaints directly to me!
#10) McGee’s Tavern and Grille
This Lincoln Park haunt is a favorite of local DePaul students. I get why those people may enjoy McGee’s, but let’s just say it's not because of the ambiance. McGee’s caters to the college crowd and their assessment of state IDs is pretty loose. I remember the days of being desperate to get accepted into a bar and lowering my standards as low as necessary to do so. McGee barely satisfies this basic (and illegal) desire. Outside of ordering cheap beers, there’s not much to do here. It doesn’t help that the clientele of drunk, aggressive males dominates the ratio. The last time I went was about seven years ago when I was 23 and I even felt like I had aged out of the place. I’ve spoken to others who have been there more recently and they noted how disgusting it is. This is the kind of spot where strangers will offer you drugs waiting in line for the restroom. Perhaps the worst development is that they now claim to be a Steelers bar. I won’t stand for that and you’re more likely catch me in Bengals gear than watching a game at McGee’s. Unless you’re 19 and attending DePaul, avoid this place at all costs.
Most of my readers are not Barstool diehards, but I can already feel those cronies swarming on me with this ranking. I’ve never been to Barstool River North and I don’t need to visit to know that it totally sucks. First of all, it’s in River North which is my least favorite area to go out to in the city. If you are in River North past happy hour, there’s already a 60% chance you are a douchey finance bro with a tub of creatine in your pantry. I don’t care for Barstool overall and making a literal location that invites fanboys of their work to drink and bet on sports makes me gag. If you are the type of person who says “Saturdays are for the boys” unironically or thinks that Dave Portnoy’s offensive worldview is “just an act for the media”, I do not want to sit around and have beers with you. I certainly don’t want to do that a place made for hardcore Stoolies in an area where most beers are between $10-$12 a pint. So basically, I am pre-judging the shit out of this place and I make no attempt at hiding it. There are few scenarios where I can fathom wanting to go to Barstool River North and all of them would have to involve insanely attractive women or an A-list celebrity that I have been dying to meet. Hell, even if this place asked me to host karaoke for $1,000 a night, I’d turn them down. Okay, maybe I’d consider it then. But after reading this, I doubt they’ll want me around. The good news is I can’t rank them No. 1 because I’ll never set foot in the place.
#8) The River
I haven’t been to this Sheffield Avenue bar since they rebranded themselves as The River. When I was hanging out there, it was called Mad River and they had quite a scheme going. I got invited to a wristband deal where for 3 hours you can drink as much as you want for around $30 or $40 bucks. At the time, I was blown away by the concept. When I told my older friend about this phenomenon, he simply laughed and said “looks like you’re in the Mad River vortex. Everyone does it.” I didn’t know what he meant at the time. Later at the event, they encouraged us to give them our emails so we could be entered into a raffle to win our own wristband event. To our complete shock, everyone that was invited to the first wristband deal won their own event after! What a coincidence. As a result of this, I ended up going there three weekends in a row when I was around 23 or 24. It was a clever ruse that masked how not great this place actually was. Naturally, it attracts a very young post collegiate crowd that tends to overflow places and make it uncomfortable to stand. The wristband deal isn’t as efficient as it seems when you have to wait 20 minutes for a drink and you can only select the cheapest things they offer. Then when it ends, you’re back to paying full price for individual drinks if you want to stay longer. I think they’re hoping their name change gives them a classier vibe. But I’ve learned my lesson. I see through the scheme this time.
#7) Deuce’s
I had a good laugh when I learned that they have also renamed this place. It was originally called Deuce’s & The Diamonds Club. Today, they call themselves Deuce’s Major League Bar. Now that’s funny! The only thing that’s major league here is the hubris and horrendous service. We all know that Wrigleyville is the home of aging frat stars, college aged morons and drunk Cubs fans of all ages and stereotypes. Deuce’s has somehow carved out its own special place in the category of outrageous douchiness within Wrigleyville. It has two distinct floors. Both blare unbelievably loud music that forces patrons to shout their orders into the bartender’s ear. The drinks are overpriced and I’ve yet to meet someone who had good service there. It has a completely unnecessary escalator that goes to the top “nightclub” floor. I went to a party there once and I wanted to leave within five seconds. This is the kind of place where bottle service bros love to flash their credit cards to impress women. It looks like they’re trying to lean more into the sports angle today, but I feel confident that anything they do still reeks of the signature Deuce’s shitty vibes.
It was a close call between this and Moe’s Cantina. The latter place once refused to let me in because I was wearing Nike Air Force 1s. I wonder what that policy’s agenda is…ANYWAY! Both bars have two locations and very similar scenes. The deciding factor for me is Old Crow’s commitment to the country theme. I am hardwired not to enjoy this place. I’m not a Cubs fan. I don’t care for Wrigleyville nor the typical crowds at their bars. This is the type of place that has bathroom attendants, which I’ve discussed my confusion about in recent newsletters. I’ve also met some of the worst people at Old Crow. But above all else, it is their occasional live country music that really gets me. I can’t remember why I was there one night when a live country band was performing, but I hated every second of it. Waiting in line for a $14 Bud Light to the formulaic sounds of Owen Michaels and the Dirt Road Crew is the exact opposite of what I want in a bar experience today. But I will admit that this is mostly a personal thing because I really do not like country music.
#5) Benchmark
Old Town is extremely hit or miss in my opinion. There are some fun spots and some really bad ones. It is typically the graduation step from Wrigleyville when you’ve had enough of that nonsense, but still want to stay near the lake and frequent shit show late night bars. Ironically, Benchmark serves as the benchmark for this situation quite well. It fancies itself as a sports bar, but it acts like an exclusive Los Angeles nightclub with TVs. It’s usually packed to the gills from open to close. Particularly at night, you will often see a pretty long line just to get into the place. Once you are in, you can barely breathe as you sift through a sea of aggressive cologne and men in pit-stained Ralph Lauren shirts from a day’s worth of drinking. My general assessment is that people who go here think very highly of themselves. It’s a wannabe club that features nothing particularly good. If I have to wait in line to get into a bar, it better be awesome. Benchmark is definitely not awesome. I’d say it’s the attitude of the place that really makes it worthy of the ranking more so than the bar itself.
#4) El Hefe
If you are the type of woman who puts “take me on your boat” on your Hinge profile in Chicago, there’s a good chance you are a bottle girl at El Hefe. The Yelp reviews speak for itself, but I’ll elaborate anyway. Bottle service might be the most extravagant waste of money on planet Earth. El Hefe has perfected the art of shitty bottle service experience that exploits rich pricks who want to gawk at women way out of their league. The culture is so bad there that 4,300 people signed a petition for El Hefe to lose their liquor license after two alleged sexual assaults occurred at their bar. How they remained open after that is beyond me. I only went once with co-workers when I had just turned 21 and I knew I’d never go back. This place is basically all of the bad qualities of Las Vegas rolled into one River North establishment. They literally advertise themselves as a “supermacho taqueria”. Supermacho? Keep telling yourself that El Hefe. Most people can see right through the facade, but if you enjoy this place I have a good idea of your priorities in life.
#3) The Hangge Uppe
This might be the only bar on this list I recommend seeing once because it is so uniquely weird. It begins with their ridiculous spelling of the term “the hang up” which remains a mystery to me. You know that this place is wild because they don’t even OPEN until 9 pm and on Saturdays they close at 5 am. They charge a $20 cover and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spotted my cash-less friends, heard them say “I’ll get you a drink inside!” and that drink never arrives. Once you are inside, you are treated to “Chicago’s best dive club”, if such a category exists. This place is a labyrinth of disco balls, tiny, gross restrooms, cheesy 80s music and drunken foolishness. As you might guess, The Hangge Uppe attracts a desperation that rarely ends well. It peaks around 2 am when many people are looking for a Hail Mary hook-up or a place to extend their night unnaturally. It’s only genuinely beloved by strange people and I’ve seen it bring out the weirdest sides of people. One time, I got a text from someone I dated who was inside the bar that saw me and asked me if I could buy her a drink. Yeah, no thanks! Another time a friend tried to punch the bouncer before he was forcefully removed. This bar is probably the closest thing Chicago has to Sodom and Gomorrah. I’ve had some great times at The Hangge Uppe, but I can’t imagine ever wanting to go back today.
#2) Howl at the Moon
You don’t need to go to Chicago to find out how awful Howl at the Moon is. It’s available across the United States (and, incredulously, a Norwegian cruise line?). I actually do enjoy dueling piano bars, but the music isn’t enough to overcome the rest of the bad features of this River North bar. This is the most stereotypical bachelorette party bar in the city. You’d be hard pressed to go there on a Friday or Saturday and not see a group of women with penis-shaped trinkets and bachelorette sashes belting out “NEVERMIND I’LL FIND SOMEONE LIKE YOOOOUUUUU.” It’s the rare Chicago bar that charges cover so you lose money before you even walk into the building. You will have almost no luck finding a place to sit and you’ll be waiting an eternity to get the most expensive mixed drink in town. Beers aren’t much cheaper and they’ll be warm in 10 minutes because it’s so hot inside from the shoulder-to-shoulder friction. You’ll probably be waiting at least an hour and a half to hear the one song you request and that’s even with a $20 bribe. From what I do remember, the bathroom is awful and it takes about 2 minutes to walk there from the main floor. Basically, you’re always waiting for a bad outcome at Howl at the Moon. This place makes me want to howl for all of the wrong reasons.
#1) Federales
Congratulations Federales! The inspiration for this list began with this West Loop bar. Federales is the Kardashian family of Chicago bars. It is inexplicably popular, built around vapid, viral marketing and worshipped by an alarming number of idiots. It combines everything I don’t like about bars in one place. Massive crowds? Almost always. Long lines and waits for overpriced drinks? That’s a given. Typical customers who think they’re hot shit and bring bad vibes with them? That’s their core demographic. Federales has turned a gimmick into its primary selling point. They sell icicle shots that you can drink and then throw at a bell on their patio. That's how we're defining fun these days? This is the No. 1 Instagram story cliche of the moment and basic white women flock to it like a moth to a flame. Why is it so riveting to throw frozen water? I drop ice on the floor almost every day and I get zero joy from it. That’s probably why douchey guys also go there and it all leads to a tornado of cringe and misery. This is exactly the type of place that the cast of Entourage would love. Federales is the physical embodiment of most social media content. It’s a shallow, unoriginal breeding ground for uninteresting people with a Cinco-de-Mayo-esque Americanization of Mexican culture. If you like Federales, you might as well be wearing a shirt that says “I’m an asshole!”. I don’t know why anyone would want that, but walk by Federales on a Saturday afternoon and you will see just how many people feel that way.
That’s my list. If you live in Chicago, I’m sure you have an opinion on this topic. I’d love to hear from you to compare our lists. I imagine that some of these places are on your list, but if I forgot any please reach out and we can discuss. At the end of the day, there are dozens of great bars in this city. Go out and find those places and have a great Chicago summer. I’m just trying to help you enjoy life to the fullest!
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
In the last two episodes of Friday Night Beers, Vince and I drank beers called If I Fits I Sips and Juicy Booty. One of them is a deep cut from Michigan and the other is from the Virgin Islands. You read that right. Tune in to learn more! Please subscribe, rate and review our podcast here and follow our Instagram page for relevant updates!
July is a big birthday month for my family and many other friends. Great time for a birthday in my opinion! Today happens to be a big one. Happy 25th birthday to Johnny Doherty. I vividly remember my 25th birthday and I hope it’s just as fun for you. I’m coming up tomorrow and I appreciate all of the birthday wishes in advance. Bonus points if you remember how old I will be.
We are five days away from the MLB All-Star break and the White Sox are one of the MLB’s biggest disappointments. Unlike the last two years, this Sox team gives minimal effort and is regularly a chore to watch. They make nonstop excuses for their poor play and have provided some of the most baffling mistakes in the league this year. Even if Jerry Reinsdorf shocks the world and fires his handpicked manager, I don’t think this team is digging out of this massive hole they dug themselves into. It’s a shame and I’m not expecting anything out of the 2022 White Sox.
I recently caught up on another Apple TV+ show called For All Mankind. This series debuted in 2019 and I’d heard nothing but good things in recent months about the third season. I decided to give it a try and I’m a big fan. It combines two of my favorite topics into one. It is a historical fiction about the United States and Russian space race. History and space? You know I’m in from the jump. The pilot shows the Russians beating NASA to the moon in 1969. This one moment creates a butterfly effect that deeply impacts and changes the rest of our known history in both countries and across the world. But within this fascinating alternative history, For All Mankind is a show about family dynamics, the NASA community, and, believe it or not, couples who learn how to be emotionally available to one another. I’ve frequently been moved by many of these relationships and the special effects for the space stuff is top notch. I definitely think this one is worth trying if you find any of that intriguing.
I’m not sure what it says about me that my friend Mark Benya sent me an article and said “this made me think of you.” But here it is. Do you know what a group of pandas is called? Before I answer that, here’s a quick list of my favorite collective nouns for animals. A gaggle of geese. A gang of buffalo. A murder of crows. A flambouyance of flamingos. A mob of kangaroos. That last one would have made for an intriguing Sopranos spin-off. Thanks to Mark I can now add another name to this very odd list. According to this article, a group of pandas is actually called an embarrassment. An embarrassment of pandas? That’s pretty ironic considering there are only 2,000 pandas left and they’re highly ranked on the list of endangered species. Humans should be the ones who are embarrassed at that figure. Why would the scientific community go out of their way to shame a beloved endangered animal species? Seems pretty harsh to me! Isn’t it enough that these animals have to eat 84 pounds of bamboo a day just to survive? I’d be a little self conscious too if I downed that much food. This whole process of naming groups of animals is one of science’s oddest subgenres.
I’ve had a few weeks to process the news about USC and UCLA joining the Big Ten conference and I am still having a difficult time wrapping my head around it. This was a genuine “holy shit!” moment in the world of sports. If you put aside the obvious (and only) factor that these two schools considered when making this decision, it makes absolutely no sense for a Los Angeles school to join a Midwestern football conference. But this completely blows up any quaint notion that regional specificity matters in Division I college football. The Pac-12 was already close to irrelevant with USC and UCLA. Now it’s on its deathbed and there’s going to be more schools jumping ship now too. I’m not sure I like where college football is heading with the rumored super conferences, but we still don’t know how it’s going to play out. I do know this. This was a major step forward in making college football what it’s already quietly been for years: a massive business where the only thing that matters is money.
In hindsight, I’m not sure why Spotify didn’t have this before, but they are adding a Karaoke feature to their mobile app. You may already have noticed this on your Spotify app and it will eventually be rolled out to everyone. Personally, I am offended that I was not invited as a beta tester for this feature. The way it works is when you click on the Lyrics mode within a given song, you can now press the “Sing” option. Even better, Spotify gives you a grade on your performance. This would have really come in handy when we were all locked down two years ago. Nevertheless, it’s a great idea that I certainly will use once it’s on my phone.