Tuesdays with Tom: Testing Austin's Limits
I’ve never done 23 and Me, but given my full name and general looks, I’m pretty confident in saying that my genetic make-up makes me one of the worst candidates for exposure to intense heat. My Irish ancestors never had to worry about 100-plus degree heat on their European island. I certainly enjoy good weather, but I have to proceed with extra caution or I’ll sunburn in the most unexpected cities. You might wonder why then I would be psyched to ingratiate myself in one of the hottest climates in the United States for three days. Austin, Texas might be scorching hot, but it’s also insanely cool. Oh man, it’s another travel one!!
The epic crew who brought you such great college football weekends in Nashville, Louisiana, Georgia and Alabama is getting a bit older, but we’re still adventurous and looking to explore more cultural mavens in this country. This year it’s Austin, the live music capital of the world and home of the flagship University of Texas. You might not realize it but Austin is far from a college-sized town. It’s the 11th largest city in the United States and home to a little under 1 million people. In addition to that, scores of musicians like Willie Nelson, Steve Earle, Stevie Ray Vaughn and Gary Clark, Jr. have called Austin home at one point or another. You can do just about anything you want in Austin, except experience a frigid winter. But if you’re good with that, get ready to have some fun.
I don’t usually comment on the airports in these cities, but Austin-Bergstrom is one of the nicest, cleanest airports I’ve ever seen. I waited around for an hour for the first group of friends to arrive and noticed that even the airport had a bar with a stage for live music in it. That’s a first. Once the initial group arrived, we took a ride through the city to our first destination. I noticed that the airport parking lots had tents over the spaces. Yes, it’s so hot down here that they need to do that. If you Google search “top BBQ Austin Texas” you will likely see Franklin’s BBQ at the top of the list. But what they don’t tell you is this place usually has a line at all times out the door and down the street. We decided to avoid that and go to an equally reputable but less crowded place. Terry Black’s BBQ was the next best choice and I was delighted. I had a slice brisket sandwich with mac and cheese, green beans and baked beans. Wash that down with a Lone Star beer and you’ll be more than satisfied.
We killed some time at a sports bar called Lavaca Street. There was barely anyone in there on a Thursday afternoon. Plenty of room to sprawl out and leave our bags underneath the table. I turned in a few deplorable showings at the pop-a-shot rack and caught up with the growing group of loons. It didn’t hurt that we got to sit inside either. I figured this would be my only visit to Lavaca Street. Once our Airbnb was ready, we headed out to Travis Heights to check into our new temporary home. Unlike my last Airbnb, the host was nowhere in sight and the place was immaculate inside. Travis Heights is basically a suburb in Austin, far away from the social chaos of a 6th street but close to plenty of other things to enjoy. We never made it to the fresh spring pool that was a 3 minute walk away, but just stand around in Austin for 15 minutes and you’ll be thinking about sprinting into freezing cold water soon enough.
Once more people in the group of 10 arrived, we got dressed up to head out to 6th Street for dinner and Thursday night socializing. Rustic Tap is one of the most interesting bars I’ve ever been to. It’s almost entirely outdoors and covered by thick tent covers and misting fans to make the heat more palatable. They have a stage for live music, an interesting method for ordering food and plenty of TVs for sports viewing. We wanted to watch the NFL’s opening game, the Chicago Bears against the Green Bay Packers. The atmosphere inside ended up being a lot more entertaining than that game. My burrito was a close second, a pork carnitas, mac and cheese combination that melted in my mouth. I know what Matt Meindl is ordering if he ever makes it to Austin. A jazz band played contemporary pop covers before sugueing their way to a three-piece rock outfit of what appeared to be young teenage brothers. The lead guitarist was shredding his way through several songs. Pretty impressive stuff and I was once a teenage rock musician. But hey, that was ten years ago, am I right?!
The Bears might have been a slog to watch, but the gentlemen playing live action volleyball beer pong put on a show for about an hour. If you don’t know what that is, imagine six full size garbage cans placed in a triangle formation, facing another set of six cans and separated by about 10 yards of space. Then imagine pairs of two launching volleyballs into the cans until there are none left. I got very sweaty playing this game and I won about six games in a row once I switched to the basketball shooting technique. It was a million times better than my pop-a-shot performance. I shook a lot of strangers hands post victory. People were almost as impressed with that as I was with the teenage guitarist. We stayed there for awhile until the last person of the evening joined. Then we took a walk down 6th Street to enjoy the wonderfully named Kung Fu Saloon for more games. They have skee-ball and Guitar Hero, among many others. Of course I played Guitar Hero and performed a mediocre Hard version of “Reptilia” by the Strokes. It turns out my real and fake guitar skills were also better as a teen. One more stop at The Blind Pig to end the night and we were laughing the whole way through.
After a fun-filled day and evening, I needed an escape. Or should I say Eggscape, which is a phenomenal breakfast entree at Magnolia Cafe in Travis Heights. Two over medium eggs, sausage, home fries, cheddar cheese and an English muffin? Sign me up for that any day. They say everything is bigger in Texas, the home of four of the nation’s top-15 biggest cities. Would you expect anything less from the flagship university of the state? It’s the eighth largest student population in the country at around 50,000. They have seven museums, 17 libraries and plenty of places to get roasted by the sun. One of the museums is a Lyndon B. Johnson one. We spent about 5 minutes in there avoiding the sun, but I bet that is cool. I wonder if there is an exhibit in there on Johnson’s obsession with his own Johnson. He once was asked by a group of reporters why the United States was still in Vietnam. His response was unzipping his pants, exposing himself and yelling “This is why!” That’s a completely real thing that happened. I’m going to take a wild guess that this museum doesn’t mention the former President of the United States pulling out his junk to prove a point. But I’ll never know.
We stopped by the College Gameday set that was across the street from Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium. That stadium is the ninth largest sports arena in the world, with a capacity of a little more than 100,000 people. College Gameday is a long-running ESPN pregame show where they travel to the best game of the week and shine a light on the local culture. They are here because Texas is ranked 9th in the county and LSU, their opponent, is ranked 6th. Texas football used to be amazing and they have a rich history of NFL-laden talent. They’ve produced over 317 NFL draft picks, scores of undrafted players and they’ve won their conference 32 times. It’s been 10 years since they last made it to the national championship, but make no mistake these fans have high expectations for their team.
We walked around the massive campus to see what it was like. It’s a mass of brick buildings and precast concrete (thanks to architect Kyle Cooper for that tidbit) and it has plenty of pretty views. The biggest bookstore in town is called The Co-Op. It looks like a Coach store from the outside. On the inside, it’s wall-to-wall with every type of Texas-themed thing you can imagine. Apparently, Davy Crockett once said “You may all go to hell and I will go to Texas” because there were no fewer than 15 different things with that quote on it. I got a few Texas items for the following day’s game and a koozie. Inexplicably, this store gives out free beer during the happy hours of 3 pm to 7 pm. We didn’t stick around for that, but that’s another first for me. We checked out a local hangout called Cain & Abel’s after our visit there. Cain and Abel were two brothers from the Bible who famously didn’t get along. You don’t have to be your brother’s keeper at this place, but the service was about as bad as Cain’s efforts to watch his brother Abel. Luckily we weren’t in a rush or cared much. We headed back to recharge before deciding on dinner. You might recall a recent Tuesdays with Tom that discussed the e-scooter trend. Austin must have read that because these things were everywhere. They proved to be convenient for a group ride to Torchy’s, a Texas-taco chain, where most of us went to eat. Two tacos should be enough unless you are starving here. They also have two bars that don’t serve alcohol, much to the confusion of everyone in the restaurant. The first taco I had was called the Trailer Park -- a fried chicken, green chile, lettuce and pico de gallo combination topped with cheddar cheese. You can also “get it trashy” and replace the lettuce with queso. I chose to keep it classy. The other taco was called Green Chile Pork. They were both good, but it’s a chain so I’m sure there are more authentic Austin tacos to be had.
After another group scooter session, we returned to a different part of 6th Street and were not the least bit surprised to see a swarm of LSU fans out and about. Maggie May’s is one of the many multi-floor, outdoor patio bars with live bands and big crowds. You could spend an entire night there if you want. We decided to try out a new joint called The Library. It’s an ironic title and essentially a loud club. The highlight for me was spinning a prop pirate ship steer. Being on 6th Street is basically like being on Bourbon Street in New Orleans but not as dirty. You can go to a million places and have a similar experience at most. And it never seems to end.
The third day was all about the showdown between LSU and Texas. Since we’d already visited the College Gameday set, we didn’t feel the need to go for the main event. Watching it on TV was sufficient enough. If we hadn’t done that, we would have missed the greatest celebrity guest picker in the history of the show, Matthew McConaughey. In case you didn’t know, he’s a Texas alum and he’s probably the most famous Texas football fan on the planet. He’s been on the sidelines at almost every big Texas game in the past 15 years. But this isn’t just a ploy for attention. McConaughey is serious about supporting the university and his adopted hometown. So much so that he is now a professor in the film school at UT as of a few weeks ago. Can you even imagine having him as a teacher? His official title is also hilariously strange. He’s called a “minister of culture” and if you have an Athletic subscription, you can read paragraphs of dialogue from him talking about how it’s not bullshit. I absolutely love this guy.
Our main plan was to attend a fan-assembled tailgate called Hornball Tailgaters. Their business, if you want to call it that, is to acquire parking lot spaces and turn them into parties. Their pitch was for $50 a person, you can drink and eat as much as you’d like, with access to bathrooms and in-and-out privileges. It sounded too good to be true and it turns out it kind of is. They overstuff the attendance so everything has a long line. The food is from one food truck and you’re limited to a single item at a time. You’ll be lucky to only wait 25 minutes in that line. They also advertised showing games on all of the TVs, but that turned out to be a farce too. It was about the only disappointing thing of the weekend. Some of us eventually went to walk around other tailgates. The others went back to Lavaca Street, the near-empty bar from the first day in Austin. This time it couldn’t have been more full, but we got a nice table on the patio and got fast service. If you go to Austin for a game, don’t waste your time with Hornball Tailgaters. It’s a stupid name anyway.
As for the game itself, that did live up to the hype. The players on both sides battled the 100-degree heat and each other for a combined offensive output of 83 points and 1,103 yards. I rooted for Texas but alas they did not win. My one day of fandom finished with an 0-1 record. I was just happy that we were entertained and amongst great people. There are many other things I’d love to do in this city. I didn’t get to see a show Austin City Limits or attend South by Southwest. I’d love to know what it’s like when it’s not 100 degrees. I’m not sure what Davy Crockett was thinking, but there are plenty of worse fates you can imagine than being sentenced to an eternity in Austin.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
By the way, I watched Long Shot on the airplane ride there. That is Seth Rogen and Charlize Theron’s romantic comedy you probably blinked and missed. It’s an enjoyable, very R-rated movie. I was surprised when I found it had a mediocre showing at the box office. Not that this really matters, but those are two of the most popular and likable actors we have right now. But even that wasn’t enough for them to barely break the bank. I feel like we’re getting to a point where this entire genre is going to be streaming only in the future. Netflix has turned the rom-com formula into a successful business and it’s becoming hard to justify seeing a movie that doesn’t feature CGI fighting or superheroes in a theater. Hell, I watched it on an airplane and it was completely acceptable to do so. Well, you don’t have to race to a theater to see this one. Watch it from the comfort of your home.
Dave Chappelle’s latest Netflix special, Sticks & Stones, has probably been his most polarizing reviewed comedy special ever. I’m a huge fan of his stand-up and his incredible Comedy Central series Chappelle’s Show. So I was naturally a little uneasy when I read some of the critiques. Particularly, the quotes from his newest Michael Jackson material seemed pretty off the mark in light of the latest HBO documentary about his molestation history. Since he’s returned from self-imposed exile, his jokes have taken direct aim at controversial topics and he usually handles it with complete confidence and unparalleled swagger. So with all of that said, I watched it and while it’s not his best work, it’s still signature Chappelle. This piece from NBC News is probably the most fair summary of it I’ve read on the special. If you aren’t afraid of being uncomfortable in a comedy setting, it’s worth a watch and you’ll definitely crack up a lot.
There’s a free streaming app called Tubi. You’ve probably never heard of it. I know only people in advertising who know it which explains why they run ads in the elevators of my work building. I saw one last week that had copy that read like this. “Dear Netflix, I had a freesome last night. It was amazing.” Cut to the tag line “Tubi - It’s free streaming.” That’s some racy copy for a little known company. I guess it got my attention since I’m still thinking about it, but that seems a little unnecessary to be so sexually charged. Take it easy Tubi!
It was a pretty satisfying five hours on Saturday when the Oakland Raiders released Antonio Brown. He went nuclear again on Oakland by posting a YouTube video of him working out to dramatic violin music and audio he had secretly recorded of a private phone conversation he had with head coach Jon Gruden. In the audio, Gruden is essentially trying to kiss his ass one last time, before eventually succumbing into saying “will you just stop this shit and play football” verbatim. I guess you could say this was the straw that broke Oakland’s camel’s back. But that would imply that Brown was only adding straw-sized issues onto the camel’s back. A better comparison would be to say that he’s been hurling boulder-sized chunks at every turn since he joined the Raiders. Gruden tried everything to excuse Brown’s behavior, including overlooking a verbal altercation with Gruden’s fake boss, GM Mike Mayock. All of it was to get Brown onto the field in a game, something he never did a single time before his release two days before their team’s debut. All of that was awesome for me and many other Steelers fans until the next domino in this insane saga fell.
Yep, this one gets two notes! The Steelers fan party officially ended when mere hours after Brown was cut, he signed a one year deal with the Patriots. Unsurprisingly, it’s already been reported that this was in the works a few days before the Raiders cut him loose. In short, Brown’s agent vetted this with the Patriots in advance and Brown hit the metaphorical launch codes on Oakland demanding his release and praying they’d actually do it. He was correct and now the Steelers (and possibly the entire NFL’s) worst case scenario has been fully realized. The Patriots get Brown for nothing at all after the Steelers refused to accept first and second round picks for him in a trade to the rival last spring. Then they thrashed the Steelers once again on Sunday night. Let’s not mince words. Antonio Brown is an asshole whose narcissism got him kicked off two football teams that did everything possible to keep him in check. He knows that New England might be his last chance to save his NFL career and everyone knows how the Patriots typically tolerate beat-offs (unless it involves their owner). He’s impossible to predict, but the Patriots have great success at taking on reclamation projects. He’s easily the most selfish, loony toon human being to play for the Patriots and will likely be Bill Belichik’s biggest success or failure at cultural assimilation no matter how this goes. But if he can keep it in house, the team with the greatest luck in sports will once again be gifted an incredible talent on a team that’s thrived without it. Excuse me, I’m gonna go vomit.