Tuesdays with Tom: Tales from a Karaoke Host
When you’re a kid, you’re often asked what you want to be when you grow up. The first job I ever said I wanted was to be an astronaut. I really loved space and figured that was the only job that would allow me to visit it. That dream quickly dissipated when I realized that I did not care, or show a particular aptitude, for science. In fifth grade, we had a time capsule where we wrote down on a piece of paper what we wanted to be. This time, I gave myself a few options. I remember saying that I wanted to be an athlete, an actor or a rapper. In a way, I’ve done all three of those things, but I’ve yet to turn any into a full time career. But I never had this job in mind as a child: hosting karaoke at a dive bar. No child would ever think to consider this career path, if we are calling it that. A year ago around this time, I was moonlighting doing this job and found it to be quite fun. And since we have basically gone a full year without karaoke as a society, I figured it was a good time to remind everyone of the things I’ve learned so you can crush your next outing.
Karaoke can be a polarizing topic amongst socialites. For some people, it is an obnoxious, annoying public display of strangers humiliating themselves at some of their worst moments on a late night. For others, it is an outlet to shamelessly show off and entertain a crowd with your friends. I’m firmly in the second camp, but neither group is wrong. The line between good and bad karaoke is perilously thin. It’s not for everyone yet the fact that it literally CAN be for anyone makes it a spectacle worth watching.
To brag, I am very well suited to do karaoke. I have a deep well of musical references and an uncanny memory of lyrics for many popular songs. I was a singer in a band for many years and performed in a few musicals. I’m also a professionally trained improv comedian. I relish the opportunity to entertain strangers and unlike many at the karaoke mic, I can actually back it up. So it’s no surprise why I enjoy it. I’d performed karaoke sporadically over the years as a college kid, but it wasn’t until our Logan Square crew discovered a place called Madison Public House that we began regularly going as a group. Madison Public House was a dumpy dive bar that hardly featured a full crowd. They did karaoke on the weekends and we’d go there to goof around in front of almost no one. I could tell the host was a bit annoyed with us, but we were also tipping her and providing regular business for the bar. So she put up with it. This is where the infamous renditions of “The Circle of Life” began. It was a fun, good-natured time. I didn’t know it’d become a staple of my social life. Unfortunately, that place took a turn for the worst as far as karaoke goes. They changed their name and they cut down the karaoke nights to just one. The name change brought in a lot more customers, but it kinda ruined the vibe we had procured at karaoke. We had to stop going, but luckily I learned that there is an entire ecosystem of karaoke spots in the city that you can go to instead.
There are basically three types of karaoke you can pursue in most major cities. The first one is the most common: a regular bar that’s looking to drive up business on an off night. The Tuesday, Wednesday, karaoke night crowds can be a very eclectic bunch. Places that don’t cater to karaoke usually hire a host to set it up and tear it all down in a few hours. Many guests arrive likely having no idea that karaoke is on the menu that night. The second one is places that fully commit to karaoke as a staple. For example, Trader Todd’s and Louie’s Pub advertise karaoke every night of the week. Some places, like Shoe’s Pub, dedicate the whole weekend block to karaoke. They usually have a stage and a good speaker set up, plus a more regular host that works closely with the bar. They have recurring guests (I was known as Dr. Tom at Shoe’s for a spell) and become known for that stigma in town. The third type is the most extreme and the most rare. These places are nothing but karaoke and you pay to rent out a personal room for a group of people. They let you pick all of your own songs, host-free and you delight each other for as long as you’d like (for a fee). Those can be a lot of fun, but it’s a big commitment to make as a group. I’ve done all three types and they each have their pros and cons.
By the time I met Frank from Tavern on North, I was a well seasoned karaoke veteran. I met him while visiting the Wicker Park bar in the fall of 2019. He was managing the place and the friendly Irishman and I quickly developed a friendship. I’d stop in there after work for a beer or two and we’d chat. Like Madison Public House, it was a major dive that didn’t attract a large crowd. The owner is a very old man who bought the building for next to nothing over 40 years ago. He could sell the property for a fortune, but he chooses to keep it because he’s already paid it off in full. Frank’s family has a history with running successful bars (his cousin owns Irish Times in Brookfield, shoutout to that crew). He was determined to make this place a hit. I admired the guy’s zeal and one day, I jokingly suggested that he start doing karaoke. I didn’t think he’d actually listen to me.
A few months go by and I walk by the bar. Suddenly, there’s a sign up that says “Friday and Saturday Nights: Karaoke from 10 pm - 2 am!” I stop in there to see Frank. He said that he borrowed a PA system from a friend and decided to give this karaoke thing a try. I simply told him what I’d observed over the years and gave him my two cents. I came back a week or so later and he said it was becoming difficult trying to host that and also serve people. Plus, he had a kid on the way and would inevitably be taking some time off to be with her. When he asked me if I’d consider hosting, I was surprised but immediately said yes. The first night I did this, the crowd was pretty sparse and we didn’t end up going all the way to 2 am. A week later, it was a completely different story. We had a nonstop demand from the jump, largely fueled by a woman’s birthday party that stumbled in and a regular crowd of improv actors who performed down the street every Saturday. Improvisers love karaoke because it’s yet another stage to play on and they’re never shy about going up multiple times. It was a riot getting to crack jokes all night, while making money and sipping on drinks for free. And of course, I got to sing to start and close the night.
For about a month and a half, I did this hosting gig seven or eight times. It was a blast. It gave me a chance to be on the other end of the karaoke dynamic too. Usually, I am the one going up to the host multiple times asking when I can go next. With the benefit of this new perspective, I understand now why hosts get annoyed by that. On a busy night, there’s a lot of people that want to sing and allowing someone to go four or five times is enabling ball-hog behavior. I also witnessed some of the most horrendous singing performances of my lifetime. As a host though, you have to be neutral and encouraging so that people feel comfortable with going up to the mic. Hosts learn to become well versed on giving suggestions to those who have no idea what they want to do. Occasionally, you have to be the bad guy and tell them the song they requested isn’t available. At worst, you have to cut people off if they are too incoherent or deliberately mess around to the detriment of others. In short, you learn a lot about human behavior watching drunk commoners temporarily fight for stage time in a public setting.
I thought this was going to be a great side gig for a long time, but it abruptly came to a halt with the pandemic. Karaoke is arguably the least safe COVID-19 activity there is. Strangers essentially swap spit through microphones and hand it off to the next stranger for hours at a time, in a completely indoor space. There’s just no way around it and that’s why the karaoke business is on indefinite hiatus. Making matters worse, Frank learned that we were illegally doing karaoke. You are required to play licensing fees for the music and that is not something Tavern on North had the budget for. And worst of all, Frank quit his job at the Tavern, ending my connection with them. But I was actually happy for him when he told me the news. He’s got a young family to consider and is now in the real estate business. After a fun month, I was no longer a karaoke host. At least I discovered that I could be quite good at this role if given another opportunity. It seems unlikely that any place will be doing karaoke until most of the country is vaccinated. But rest assured that with my experience, I have laid out a foolproof set of guidelines for you the next time you go. Take note and maybe in 2022, we can return to the karaoke stages once again.
Tom’s Foolproof Karaoke Guidelines
#1) Pick Songs You Know
Not everyone can sing like Freddie Mercury, but everyone knows Queen. The biggest mistake people make is picking a song they don’t already know the lyrics to. At bare minimum, you should pick a song you can sing by heart. “But Tom, don’t they show the lyrics on the screen?!” Yes, but rookies learn that not having the actual vocals on a track can throw you off musically. Not to mention, you’re likely drunk and that adds a degree of difficulty to singing words. And if you’re shy about crowds, that’s another factor. Sticking to what you know gives you a solid foundation to mitigate these factors.
#2) Play to Your Strengths
If you know your vocal range, stay within that range. Off-key singing is expected in karaoke, but if you have no prayer at the high notes of “Livin’ on a Prayer”, why bother? If you only know the lyrics to showtunes, pick those songs. If you can only sing exactly one song well enough for your liking, do it over and over again. If you can’t sing at all, pick a song that has little to no singing, or even just one word like “Tequila” (trust me, they have it.) Great karaoke is about surprising and delighting an audience. That doesn’t mean you have to sing well, but it does mean you should tap into what you do well.
#3) Keep It Short
Listen, I’m all for the nine-minute version of “Purple Rain” if you’ve got the pipes for it. You know who isn’t? Everyone else at the bar. Most places have the karaoke versions of these songs anyway, which are naturally shorter. The general population’s interest in a song ends after the three minute mark. Unless you are a powerhouse singer, keep that in mind when it’s your turn.
#4) Read the Room
One time, I was in a karaoke contest where the winner got $200 in cash. Each round was based on crowd applause and I’d done very well through the championship final. It was down to me and another large, Black woman. She did a Lizzo song that absolutely crushed. I did “The Real Slim Shady”, which I flawlessly performed. But guess who the crowd voted for. I made the critical mistake of not reading the room. Look around and see what you’re working with. Use the people ahead of you as a guide. If a certain genre or musical style is killing it, lean in. Don’t pick something that is going to alienate your audience. You want the crowd on your side at all times.
#5) Grab a Friend
You might be too shy to do this by yourself. Not to worry. Enlist a friend or significant other to help you out. Better yet, get a whole group up there and let it rip. There’s strength in numbers and you’re less likely to get criticized as a group singing. You can also hide the bad singers, or combine a group of bad singers to make it seem like a decent, singing entity. Some of the greatest rounds of applause I’ve received came from stellar pairs or funny groups. In this arena, it really does pay to have friends.
#6) When In Doubt, Tap into the Classics
If you are totally lost on what to pick, there are some songs that will always be successful at karaoke. To name a few: “Mr. Brightside”, “Bohemian Rhapsody”, “Billie Jean”, “I Want It That Way”, “Say It Ain’t So”, “Who Let the Dogs Out”. Okay the last one is a lie. I could keep going. I normally dislike cliches in any field, but this is one where I actually recommend doing them for novice karaoke singers. These are songs that everyone knows the words to and feels compelled to sing them all out loud. It’s like putting people into a trance for a few minutes. They likely won’t notice how bad you are if you bomb and you’re guaranteed to crush if you do it passably well.
#7) Don’t Hold Back
Chances are, you will only get one opportunity to sing. Go for it! I’d much rather see all-out, bad karaoke over timid karaoke. Let’s face it. When you do karaoke, you are announcing to strangers that you demand their attention and want to put on a show for them. If you’re going to do all of that, might as well make it a memorable experience, right? Have fun with it, get silly and make it your own. You’ll be more respected for taking a big swing and who knows, you might even blow someone away!
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
There’s been a lot of discussion about Ben Roethlisberger’s future with the Steelers. I mentioned it in my piece several weeks ago after their embarrassing loss to the Browns. I understand that any player of Roethlisberger’s stature is going to be a national storyline, but this isn’t as complicated as people are making it out to be. Despite what he’s done over his career, Roethlisberger has very little ground to stand on with the Steelers going into this next season. He was subpar last year by league standards and by his own legendary standards, he was terrible. He’s 39 and his body is beat to shit. Nobody realistically wants him and in his 2020 documentary, he pretty much said he’d rather retire than play for another team. There is only one team that he can play for next year if he’s giving it one more season and it’s Pittsburgh. The problem is there is no scenario in which they can pay him $41 million to be on the team. Even if he plays like Aaron Rodgers circa 2020, they won’t be able to do anything to build out their roster at that cap figure. He doesn’t need the money. He’s got $250 million in the bank from the Steelers. If he really wants to do this one more time, he should agree to whatever number Art Rooney II tells him to take and work on getting his body and mind right for his final year. Or he can retire. It’s that simple.
The odds were stacked against me enjoying Ted Lasso on Apple TV+. For one thing, it’s on Apple TV+, which I only have on a free 12-month trial because I got a new phone recently. For another thing, it’s a show based on a popular commercial character for the English Premier League from several years ago. The commercial presence was a comedic take on the differences between American football and European football. More specifically, the near total ignorance most Americans show towards the world’s most popular sport. In a world where content providers will make just about anything out of pre-existing intellectual property, expanding a five-minute joke into a 10-episode television series seems like the biggest stretch of all time. And yet, like the titular character in this show, it’s very hard not to be won over by Ted Lasso. I finished the whole thing in a few days and found it’s mix of quirky pop culture humor and slightly cheesy sentimentality to be a winning combo. It’s very similar to Scrubs, swapping a hospital setting for London, soccer and some R-rated jokes. It makes sense since the creator of that series, Bill Lawrence, is this show’s creator as well. Jason Sudekis clearly has a blast playing this role and it’s a very enjoyable time. I have no idea if Apple+ will be worth it in the long run, but I’ll be continuing on the journey with Ted Lasso for as long as it airs. God damn you Ted!
On a related note, I’ve been revisiting Childrens Hospital, the amazing medical comedy satire from Adult Swim, on Hulu. It’s hard to summarize this show succinctly. The episodes are only 10 minutes long and they pack in lots of jokes. Let’s just say if you like absurdist comedies with actors like Rob Huebel, Ken Marino, Rob Corrdry, Lake Ball, Malik Akerman, Henry Winkler, Nick Offerman, Michael Cera, Nick Kroll and a host of others, you’d be rewarded by giving it a try. Conversely, you might like the Netflix spinoff series Medical Police. It’s another satirical spoof of international thrillers this time and I enjoyed it. The only eerie thing was the plot focuses on stopping a global virus from engulfing the planet. That’s now the second show that’s accidentally predicted the future I’ve seen recently. My threshold for pandemic storylines on TV is really low, but my appetite for absurd comedies is endless.
I’m as guilty as anyone of being sucked into my phone for several minutes at a time. But there are some people that still blow my mind with how engaged they are with these things. Case in point, I can’t tell you how many people at the gym are constantly texting or typing out something while they workout. Particularly on the treadmill or stairmaster. How? I go early in the morning and while I do use my phone, it’s for a quick change in music or to record a workout set in my Whoop app. After that, I’m putting it away and not looking at it for 20-30 minutes at a time. Who the fuck are these people texting nonstop at 7 am with?! Can some people honestly not take 30 minutes away from a phone while they exercise? I do not get it at all. Don’t be this person. Take a damn break from the phone.
Finally, here’s a fun fact. Did you know that there are over 140 million people with 100,000 or more Instagram followers? It’s a fact that kicks off a new documentary that I have a hard time fully recommending. It’s called Fake Famous and it’s on HBO Max. The trailer presents Fake Famous as an intriguing “social experiment” designed to test out a theory: that with enough money and resources, you can make anyone with no discernable talents a famous Instagram influencer. The director selects three ordinary young people out of a casting call that drew over 4,000 applicants. Each of them is given a seemingly unlimited budget to have elaborately produced Instagram posts. Thousands of bot accounts are purchased to inflate their follower count with the hopes of gaining real traction. With such a vapid, low-hanging fruit goal, the documentary comes to the astounding conclusion that the answer to their question is yes. Here’s the problem. Anyone with a decent education and some common sense is aware that influencer culture is a big crock of shit. Sure, it’s funny to see just how fake your average influencer’s posts are or the lengths that are required to stage these photos. Anyone who is willing to pay $120 a pop for 7,000 robot accounts is a sucker for life. It’s not groundbreaking news though. It doesn’t help that two of the three participants bail on the so-called experiment. One of them does it because he succumbs to pressure from an anonymous troll (and he didn’t seem comfortable with it from the jump.) The other starts deleting the fake comments and followers because he unironically feels that he deserves to be famous on his own terms. There is certainly an irony to someone showing up to a literal casting call to fame insisting he can make it big on his own. Even the woman who successfully becomes an influencer behind the documentary’s resources admits she doesn’t care for the completely inauthentic nature of the experience. But she didn’t seem to complain about the free stuff or boost to her acting career opportunities. Is any of this revelatory? No. If I did learn anything, it’s that the amount of real time and effort that goes into faking big-time influencer life doesn’t seem worth it in the end. And it’s definitely not something kids should aspire to do. So there, I just saved you an hour and a half.