Tuesdays with Tom: Maine Attractions
When I was a freshman in college, I showed up to my dormitory in Columbia, Missouri with a high dosage of excitement and anxiety. I didn’t know really anyone going into school and I was getting ready to embrace a big change in my life. So when I did walk up to my new room for the next 9 months, I was pretty startled to see a sign that said “Welcome Ian Doherty” on the door. Frankly, I was extremely annoyed by this. Here I am trying to make a good first impression and my school is already screwing up my name for everyone to see. I looked around the floor and across the hall there was another name tag that said “Welcome Ian Bernstein”. Now I’m wondering who this Ian is and why the hell I’m being confused for him potentially. Ian aka The Beast would go on to become one of my best college friends. If I had known almost nine years after this name tag snafu that we’d go on a trip to Portland, Maine, I would have done a legendary spit take.
Maine is a state you probably rarely think about. It’s buried in the Northeast corner of the country, making it closer to a Canadian province than a United State. The Beast and I got curious about what Maine is all about and we picked Portland as the place to go in Vacationland. Portland is the largest city in Maine, but let’s qualify that with a few things. It’s a population of only about 66,000 people. This is a state that takes 8 hours to drive through end to end but only 15% of it’s land is inhabited by humans. It’s the ninth smallest state by total population. In short, there aren’t a lot of people living in this New England state. It’s becoming quite a problem. More on that in a bit.
I flew into Portland on a Thursday evening. This is a small town so it’s worth mentioning now that Portland doesn’t have an airport. Instead they call it a jetport. As Ian said, don’t even think about landing your blimps here. I was stunned at how empty this jetport is. Coming from O’Hare, which was a complete madhouse when I arrived, to this is extremely refreshing. I got picked up in an Uber and it told me the Airbnb we were staying in was only 14 minutes away. Imagine that -- an airport being that close to a downtown. My Uber driver Matthew proceeded to give me 15 recommendations for places to eat after I briefly mentioned I was not a Mainer. This would be a theme of the weekend. Everyone in Maine is psyched to hear that you’re visiting and acts like a tourism advocate for the state and town.
I got to the Airbnb that the host called “Charming West End”. Most of the time when they say it’s charming, they mean small. It was also described as quaint, which usually means old. I think it would be funny if we started doing this for people. “Oh that Danny DeVito, he’s so charming and quaint.” This place checked off both boxes. It’s a one floor, Victorian one bedroom home with a pullout couch. It was so old that there was a sewing spinner in the living room that doubled as a nightstand. In general, Portland is a very old fashioned town. People have lived in Maine since 1632 and Portland was officially incorporated as a city in 1786. It’s no surprise that many of the Victorian elements of the city have remained in tact. The neighborhood we were in is called West End and it’s nothing but narrow cobblestone roads and Victorian houses. That’s about as charming and quaint as it gets, and I grew up in the first planned town in America.
After looking over the multitude of options for our first meal, we settled on Yosaku, a sushi place that wasn’t too far from our new Victorian home. We could have walked but a key fact that you should know about this trip is that March is not really a great time to visit Maine. The average temperature for the month is 32 degrees and silly me thought I could get away without bringing my winter coat here in late March. Not so fast my friend. It was cold so we were relegated to taking very cheap Ubers and Lyfts most of the time. This Lyft driver talked our ear off and told us that Maine is the only state that’s a single syllable and to watch out for “Maine bros” when we go out. He also claimed that he was the best driver in Portland and mentioned someone getting an “OUI”. We asked what that was and that’s what they call DUIs in Maine. “Operating Under the Influence”. I love the little nuances in crime descriptions by state. In Missouri, when you get an “MIP” that means minor in possession of alcohol. We just called them drinking tickets in Illinois. This must be a lot more common than even I realize. Anyways, back to the dinner. It was a fantastic spread of shrimp dumplings, California rolls, something called the Boston Red Sox roll and about 10 other delicious pieces I can’t remember the name of. I washed it down with an Allagash White, a Portland-based wheat beer.
It was still fairly early in the night so we went to a local sports bar called Rivalries to watch the NCAA tournament. We were surprised to learn that this place closed at 11 pm. So we had to leave pretty early and head to a local joint we had circled on our list called Ruski’s. Thrillist told me that this was the No. 1 dive bar in Portland. We did walk to this one and it was conveniently only a 6 minute walk from our place. There’s nothing like walking into a local dive bar to the soothing sound of Limp Bizkit. This bar is conservatively the size of a studio apartment and its decor matches a deeply hidden North Woods cabin. This is the kind of place where you can buy a pack of cigarettes straight up and leave (which one girl did!). If there had been a vinyl record player, it would have scratched when we walked in. Everyone from patron to bartender at this place knew each other and seemingly were good friends. Except for us.
The Limp Bizkit thing went on for about 30 minutes. I thought it was playing on a playlist but eventually I realized that someone ordered the entire album on TouchTunes. I’m no stranger to playing odd choices on TouchTunes, but I’ve never seen someone order a full album for consecutive plays. It wasn’t an ironic choice either. We learned very quickly that Mainers don’t really have a sense of comedic irony and little sarcasm. They are extremely earnest people in all regards. That’s not to say that they’re unfriendly or lack humor, but it’s rooted in complete earnestness and sincerity. In other words, they’re not the kind of people who get playing “Crazy Frog” for a laugh. I took that note to heart for once. After a somewhat weary reception, the bartender and patrons really opened up to us and began telling us everything we wanted to know about Maine.
For example, did you know that Portland has a major housing problem? The gist of it is summer time is the prime season for Portland and Maine in general. Maine’s unforgiving climate makes it an unappealing place to live year around, so often rich people will come in and visit during the summer. They scoop up all the valuable properties and pay a premium for it, then they disappear for 9 months while the local economy suffers. Portland has become so expensive that a typical one bedroom apartment costs up to $1,600 a month according to one man at Ruski’s. So a lot of people work in Portland, but they live up to an hour away or in New Hampshire to avoid the burgeoning cost of living. This prompted the state to found an organization called Live And Work in Maine. I knew about this group from randomly watching a pro bowling event on TV a few years ago and it seemed hilariously ridiculous. How many people don’t actually live AND work in the same state? Turns out that is a real issue here! I never would have learned if I didn’t go to Maine. Ruski’s was a blast after they got comfortable with us. They stopped playing Limp Bizkit eventually and we stayed until close. They told us to come back before the trip ended. This bar opens at 7 am every day and according to many people, they serve incredible food. Honestly, I think they were shocked two out-of-towners would even consider a place like Ruski’s.
The next morning the weather was absolutely horrendous. It was pouring rain that occasionally turned into sleet and snow and I didn’t have a winter coat or an umbrella. We picked the closest breakfast place we could find called Hot Suppa. Conveniently, this is an award-winning restaurant. It was retroactively recommended by five or six other people later in the trip and they were pleased to know we went already. I got the Mother Clucker, a chicken breast, biscuits and gravy style dish complete with hash-browns and cheddar curds, topped with chives. The Beast said the egg’s benedict was one of the best he’d ever had. Sounds like this was an award well deserved.
The weather threw a wrench into our plans, so we regrouped at Tandem Bakery for banana bread and decided to do what many Americans do on a rainy day. We went bowling. Luckily, bowling is one of the main attractions in Portland. Bayside Bowl is one of the top-rated bowling alleys in the country. They not only host several major PBA events each year, but they have two floors and space for a live band that gets fairly big local acts to play there each week. Many pro bowlers have autographed photos on the walls. Ian told me that his grandfather once bowled a 300 back in his day, so we tried to make him and the other Mainers proud with our bowling skills. I’m not sure if I was inspired by the bowling prowess of Bayside, Ian’s grandfather or the pitcher of Allagash White we ordered, but I had the best bowling performance of my life to date. I finished off our third game with a 165 and three strikes in a row. I was fired up. I didn’t do as well as the “God of Thunder”, a man next to us who bowled a 200 in his game. But I was pretty proud nonetheless.
Another rainy day activity is going to a museum. I’d be surprised if I ever make it to a wilder one than the International Cryptozoology Museum in Portland. On our ride there, we mentioned to our driver that a Ruski’s person recommended this activity. He loves Ruski’s and coincidentally he built the house next door to our Airbnb in the early 1970s. This quaint place is dedicated to the science of cryptozoology. Loren Coleman is the founder and essentially it is study of “hidden animals”. As it says on their website, it comes “from the Greek work *kryptos*, meaning ‘hidden.’ ‘unknown,’ ‘secret,’ ‘enigmatic,’ ‘mysterious’”. These people aren’t just Bigfoot believers, they investigate every potential mythical creature you’ve ever heard of. But it goes beyond just stories. They analyze the effect monsters have on popular culture like Chupacabra and Loch Ness. In Portland, there was a real incident of an anaconda snake that got loose and started eating animals. They called it Wessie the Snake and its freakishly long shed skin is on display at the museum. So is an eight foot tall, 300-pound replica of Bigfoot. I had to get a photo of that with the Beast in tow.
After that strange detour, we opted for a more traditional activity. Bissell Brothers brewery is right next door and we had a few there. It was a pretty cool venue but I’ve had more memorable IPAs in my life. We went back into the Old Port area of downtown to watch some basketball and I had one of the most delightful fruity beers of my life. Raspberry Hopped Mead was billed as “crushable” on the menu. I don’t usually like fruit-based beers and this was closer to tasting like a wine than a beer, but it was fantastic. Even a Maine Bro would have to concede to that point. We eventually made it to a highly recommended lobster place called The Highroller Lobster Company. Big surprise, they are known for lobster rolls and fries. We each got one and shared a fry basket with curry ketchup and jalapeno mayo sauce on the side. It did not disappoint. We met the restaurant’s mascot there, a skeleton dressed in sunglasses and a mustache named Bony Riga Tony. He even has an Instagram account. You couldn’t possibly construct a stupider joke more tailored for me. I followed and tagged the account in a photo and they actually reposted me. It was even more exciting than my 165 in bowling.
We took a break to relax before going back out to a college bar called The Drink Exchange. It was there someone told us that Maine has more coastline mileage than all but two states. This place looked like a fraternity basement and they advertised a “fluctuating price” menu similar to the stock market that was definitely not true. Everything was dirt cheap there. We watched a group of Maine bros take two rounds of Jager bombs and then leave. The bartender told us they do this every Friday night at the same time. Talk about commitment to a joke. Later on we ended up at Silver House Tavern since we read that they did karaoke on the weekends. On Thursday, a local Mainer told me that karaoke is not popular in New England because the stereotypical New England man is not openly expressive or performative. I found that to be a fascinating perspective, but you wouldn’t know that to be true after I watched a middle aged Maine man give a sincere, shockingly good performance of “I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith. He wasn’t doing it for attention either. Maybe there’s more to the New England man than people think. We met a friendly couple from St. Louis, the Beast’s hometown, who were also visiting for fun in Portland. They asked where he went to high school because that’s what people in St. Louis do (seriously it never fails).
On Saturday, we got up somewhat early and walked to get a table at Becky’s Diner. The weather was slightly better with no rain but it was still about 40 degrees and cloudy. This place got Guy Fieri’s official stamp of approval so it was worth waiting about 30 minutes to sit down. I got the Hobson’s Wharf Special which was basically a little bit of everything complete with heavily buttered English muffins. We quickly transitioned to Portland Head Light, the historic lighthouse in Cape Elizabeth about a 15 minute drive outside of the city. What a beautiful scene there. The lighthouse was commissioned by George Washington in 1787 and was officially built two years later. It was closed that day because it’s out of season but we were able to walk around and take photos. With the exception of brutal wind gusts, it’s a view of Gulf of Maine I will cherish forever.
After those stops, we went all the way in the opposite direction to one of the biggest attractions in Portland, Allagash Brewing Company. Allagash White is their signature beer but they have plenty more to try and a few that you can only buy within state lines. It’s nestled in a suburban neighborhood of Portland called Riverton, next to four other Maine-based breweries that are all within one block of each other. They claim to all get along but Allagash is clearly the most successful and largest player in town. I got a flight with four of their speciality offerings and I liked all but one. The bartender told me that one was discontinued for nine years until they brought it back that very day. I think they should re-evaluate that choice, but that’s just me! It was a very cool space. We checked out another smaller one across the street called Austin Street Brewery. If the weather hadn’t been lackluster, we probably could have spent an entire day there at each place.
One of the most hyped restaurants in town is Duckfat. They have a very simple menu that is essentially sandwiches, salads, fries and milkshakes. We did have to wait about 45 minutes for a table, but we stopped next door and a friendly Mainer told us more about the state. He claims that you could easily make two states out of Maine because Northerners and Southerners are so distinct from one another. I’ll have to take his word for it because all I know about these people is that they are exceedingly polite and encyclopedic about the food they eat. When we got to sit down finally, I settled on the pulled pork cubano panini and fries. I am a big fan of this style of sandwich and even though Cuba is about 1,500 miles away from Maine, it ranked among the best I’ve had. I nearly ordered a few other things and it was difficult to say no. If I lived there, I would probably try everything they had on the menu. It was that good.
For our last night we decided to try one new place and then go back to a few old ones we liked. Lincoln’s is a speakeasy that is fully dedicated to our 16th U.S. president. We were told you had to go underneath a deli, pull on a barstool and say a special password to get in. After getting psyched for it, we walked down the stairs and a guy opened the door and said to come right in. So much for the secrecy. Nevertheless, the walls are filled with Lincoln memorabilia and posters. Everything here is $5 in cash only (get it?) including shirts you can buy. They also play exclusively reggae music. Hanging out in Maine surrounded by Abe Lincoln’s face with Bob Marley in the background? Hey, I’ve done weirder things! President Lincoln always loved his reggae music. We went back to Silver House Tavern and were surprised to find the vibe completely different from the night before. That’s because two men were having a welcome home party from Afghanistan there. It was a group of 50 people partying like the world was ending. But I get why. I’ll forgive them for their horrendous singing given the circumstances. It was nothing but Maine Bros. We ended the night at Ruski’s because we promised we’d come back before the trip ended. None of our new friends were there, but the vibe was the same.
At this point, we’ve done just about everything you can do in the wintertime in Maine save for one thing. A ferry ride from Portland to Peaks Island which round trip takes about 45 minutes. In hindsight, we probably could have walked around Peaks Island for an hour, but we didn’t want to stretch ourselves too thin with a flight to catch. Casco Bay Lines will take you all over the Gulf of Maine across their many island locations for a reasonable price. I’d never seen a ferry with cars on it so that was entertaining to watch. It must be odd to drive a car onto a boat every time you want to leave your little island. Of course, the weather finally got good on the last day. 52 degrees and sunny. That is about as good as it gets in March Maine weather terms and after weathering the various elements all weekend, I feel like a true Mainer myself. I had a long winter that evolved into the promise of spring and summer. Maine citizens are proud, kind people and they were more than happy to show me and the Beast a good time. I hope to come back one day when I can see what the epic summertime fun that is quietly crippling the economy is all about. For once in Maine’s life, that is the time everyone is dying to get into the state. But whether you’re an Ian, a Tom or perhaps both, they’re just glad you’re there at all.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
So Toy Story 4? I’ll say this much about it. This is a company and franchise that usually delivers. I don’t think they’d arbitrarily come back after nine years off and a near perfect ending unless they had something great on their hands. Oh, and it’ll probably make a billion dollars too!
Another trailer that premiered last week was for the decidedly not-kid friendly return of Quentin Tarantino, Once Upon A Time In Hollywood. It’s also the return of Leonardo DiCaprio after a four-year break from his Academy Award-winning performance in The Revenant. This will be a highly anticipated movie for several reasons. Both things I just mentioned, Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie, many of Tarantino’s regular cast of actors and a plot involving the Manson murders? Yep, I’m all the way in on this.
This might interest people who have Spotify Premium, Hulu or those who want both for an absurdly cheap price. A few weeks back there was a joint announcement that you can either add Hulu for free to your existing Spotify Premium account or sign up and get the bundle for $9.95 a month. I use both separately so it is a no brainer for me. The deal is running until June. The only catch is that you can only add the Hulu plan with limited commercials. Personally, I don’t mind it. It’s not a long ad break for most shows and you only get one at the beginning for movies. If you are anti-advertising, you might not want this but overall it’s a fantastic add-on to Spotify Premium.
I did a Tuesdays with Tom last year on the state of music festivals. Fast forward almost a year later, Lollapalooza seems to have fully embraced their burgeoning core audience of teenagers and pop music enthusiasts. This is easily the worst lineup I’ve seen featured, but I’m also closer to my 30s than my 20s. I’ll be curious to see the economic impact of this shift but not enough to actually attend. I’m officially #TeamRiotFest.
I’m doing fairly well in my March Madness pools despite watching very little college basketball throughout the year. This is the fewest amount of upsets I can remember seeing opening weekend in a long time. The only real takeaway I have is that the hype for Zion Williamson is so high that it might leave the planet. We’ll see how next weekend goes for my picks.
This celebrity college admissions scandal is only getting funnier and funnier for me. Not only are the parents who illegally brokered their kids way into schools getting slammed for their crimes, but it’s now inspiring other celebrity parents to brag that their kids got in the good old fashioned way. Dr. Dre recently did this after his daughter was accepted into USC. He made an Instagram post with her and a caption claiming that he won’t be getting “jail time” for her acceptance. Well, that might be true Dr. Dre, but let’s not forget that you donated $70 million to USC and you founded The Jimmy Iovine and Andre Young Academy for Arts, Technology and Business Innovation. I wonder if that had ANYTHING AT ALL to do with your daughter’s acceptance. Like I said, rich people using their influence to pave the way for their kids is nothing new. I have a feeling we’re going to find out about many, many more celebrity parents.