Tuesdays with Tom: How to Write The Perfect Wedding Toast
My advice on crafting an ideal wedding toast; plus thoughts on The Bear, Wes Anderson and weird weather
Has this ever happened to you? You’re at a wedding. You just witnessed a beautiful ceremony and then grabbed a couple of drinks to relax. You’re thinking about whatever meal you selected in your RSVP and your table assignment. Things are looking up and then suddenly, everything stops. The drinks are cut off. Your heart races and you say to yourself…is this happening again? Am I going to have to sit through another awkward set of wedding toasts? We’ve all been there. Wedding toasts are like jelly beans. There’s a lot of variety and a huge range in quality. And you never know what you’re going to get.
Some have argued that the Romans began the tradition of toasting at celebratory events. Over centuries, toasting has become a mainstay at large parties and milestone events like weddings. It’s a simple gesture designed to honor someone or something in the moment. At most weddings, there are toasts delivered by the key members of the wedding party. Traditionally, the groom’s father or mother will give a toast at the rehearsal dinner and the bride’s side gives one on the night of the wedding. There’s also usually a slot for the Maid of Honor and the Best Man on the wedding night. With some wiggle room, that means there are often four total toasts delivered at every wedding.
This is quite a dilemma because the No. 1 human fear is public speaking, even higher than death. Statistically, most people would rather be in the casket than delivering the eulogy at a funeral. 76% of the human population admits to “fears and anxiety” over speaking in public or presenting in front of a group. When you put it this way, it is downright bizarre that we expect our close friends and family to overcome the greatest collective fear in front of a couple hundred people all the time. But the wedding toast isn’t going away anytime soon. And some day, it will be your turn to give one.
Before you start hyperventilating, I’ve got good news. You don’t have to be alone in this process. I mean sure, you will have to speak by yourself. But I’m going to give you the tools you need to pull off a successful wedding toast. I just did this for my brother Matt’s wedding, along with my brother John. Let’s be clear here. This is not going to be a shameless brag about how great I am at public speaking (Editor’s Note: John and I did crush the toast, but that’s not the point!). I believe there are key elements that anyone can use to deliver an effective, memorable toast that honors your loved ones and saves you from being an embarrassing memory for a bunch of strangers. So, take notes folks. You’ll be thanking me when the time comes for your toast.
Be brief
I’ve seen terrible live comedy many times in the course of my life. Trust me on this. Nothing is as torturous as the wedding toast person who thinks they’re funny and there isn’t a funny bone in their body. Toasts can be pleasant, but let’s call it what it is. It’s an interruption into people’s time celebrating. Unless you are actually a stand-up comedian, don’t turn this into open mic night. 10 minutes is about as long as you should consider. If you can do it in a tight 5 minutes, that’s even better. I’ve heard some horror stories about people talking for almost 30 minutes incoherently. If your speech is as long as a Seinfeld episode, it’s way too long. Get to the point and make it quick.
Be prepared
Winging it works in many situations, but this is not one of them. It’s immediately obvious when you see someone doing a toast on the fly. You should treat this like an exam. Take the time to write something thoughtful. Look up how many words are needed for a 7-minute speech and count them after your first draft. Then, read it out loud and edit it. Time yourself. Repeat that several times. Sometimes sentences don’t work verbally like they do on the page. Also, use simple language. You’re not winning a Pulitzer prize for your toast. By the time you’re giving the toast, you should be able to do it without thinking. If it works for Scar, it can work for you.
Don’t talk about the process
Here’s something I hear a lot in these toasts. “When I was thinking about writing this speech, I didn’t know what I was gonna say.” Is there anything more boring or pointless to mention? At some point, you wrote the speech, right? You don’t need to take people behind the curtain. Every word you say about the random thoughts or rumination of the speechwriting process is a waste. Settle on a theme and run with it. You’re not Quentin Tarantino. Nobody gives a shit about your process.
Use note cards or paper, not phones
This might be a personal preference, but I think it’s tacky when toasters read their speech from their phone. Some couples forbid their toasters from phone usage and I think that’s the way to go. Print off a copy of your speech and bring it to the gig. It looks more professional and it photographs better. We’re already on those things too much anyway.
Skip the cliches
There’s plenty to choose from in this category. How about starting with “For those who don’t know me, I’m So-and-So’s friend.” Don’t need that. Most people know who you are and if they don’t, they’ll figure it out. Then there’s the tried and true “when I first met my friend” line. Think of a different way to say that. I think we’ve all had enough “I couldn’t believe I was asked to do this” and “if I’m the best man why is she marrying Dave!” and the classic “I knew once I met Claire that they were meant to be.” If you are writing something that sounds even vaguely cliche, get rid of it. No more definitions from Merriam-Webster or cheesy quotes from famous people or TV shows.
Avoid too many inside jokes
Look, nobody loves a good inside joke more than me. But there’s a reason those jokes don’t leave the house. I know the speech is mostly about one person, but you’re not delivering a speech just to them. It’s for the entire room and it’s your job to keep everyone engaged. If the majority of the speech only makes sense to two people, it needs a rewrite. Instead, carefully insert your sly references as little treats throughout the speech. You’ll still get the laughs you crave and you won’t alienate the entire audience with your weird little worlds. Did someone just say Bones?
Show, don’t tell
Here’s a test. Which statement sounds better?
“Dave has always been a good friend.”
“Dave used to cheer me up with his Al Pacino impressions after a tough basketball loss in high school.”
Why is the second one better? Because in Sentence #2, you learn a lot more about Dave. It’s specific. By showing the audience character traits and anecdotes about Dave, they can see that he has always been a good friend. That is more impactful than simply stating it. The more you show throughout the speech, the better everyone will understand what your relationship is like.
Keep it PG-13
You’re allowed to say the word fuck exactly once in a PG-13 movie. I’ve said it exactly once in this piece and you won’t be reading it again. I’d recommend taking a similar approach with your toast. Particularly for guys, I can’t believe some of the things I’ve heard spoken into a microphone at a wedding. A polite roasting is acceptable, but don’t embarrass your friend with a R-rated tale for the public. That includes any past story of debauchery, hardcore swearing or just generally inappropriate content. If you wouldn’t want your mother to hear it, don’t include it.
Talk about their spouse
A great balance within a wedding toast is the 80-20 approach. 80% of the speech should be about the person who you’re representing and the other 20% about who they’re marrying. If their spouse says they don’t care if they’re mentioned, they’re lying. You can regal the crowd with your amazing stories about your pal, but it needs to eventually get to the story of their relationship. If you really want to wow their spouse, surprise them with something they’ve never heard about their lover. But remember about my PG-13 note if you’re going to try that maneuver.
Be authentically yourself
This is the only cliche I’ll allow for your wedding toast. It’s terribly annoying to say “be yourself” in most situations, but this is one where it aptly applies. Not everyone is an entertaining charmer and you shouldn’t force yourself into that persona if you’re not that person. Play to your strengths. You can deliver a purely sweet, sentimental speech if that’s your thing. Think of the experience as a tribute to two people you love and show them what their kinship means to you. If you strike the right balance, you can succinctly tell a lifetime’s worth of stories in one fell swoop and put a smile on everyone’s face. Once you take the steps I outlined, this will be the easiest and most rewarding part. Good luck out there and save us all from another awful wedding toast!
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
In the last two episodes of Friday Night Beers, Vince and I drank beers called Set List and Lunch. We put together some metaphorical set lists for our favorite science fiction movies and episodes of TV comedies, plus some of our favorite song drops in films. Lunch is one of the best beers we’ve had this season and we got into the concept of being underrated vs. overrated in that lovely episode. One last plug here. The live show from June is now available on YouTube. If you subscribe to our page, you’ll get access to any and all future content we post up there. Please subscribe, rate and review our podcast here and follow our Instagram page for relevant updates.
Congratulations to Matt and Michelle Doherty, who got married a few weekends ago here in Chicago. Many of my readers witnessed what I had to say about these two, so I won’t repeat it here. But simply said, I had unique access to Matt and Michelle in the early days of their relationship and it was a real treat to watch. They also love when people talk about them, so enjoy this while it lasts you two! Looking forward to watching more of your relationship unfold and welcome to the family, Michelle.
I’ve been transparent in a few forums about how I’m not a huge fan of food and cooking from a content perspective. I’ve never been interested in the bevy of cooking competition shows or the travel-around-the-world series popularized by people like Anthony Bourdain. But The Bear is making a rare breakthrough in this genre for me. If you haven’t seen this FX/Hulu series, the show is about a brilliant young chef named Carmy who takes over his brother’s ramshackle Chicago Italian beef stand after his abrupt death. The first season is about Carmy’s journey transforming the staff and space at Mr. Beef Chicagoland from disorderly line cooks into an elite, world-class kitchen. I admired the first season more than I loved it and I thought it often treaded too aggressively into Chicago porn territory (“oh look, that’s a thing I know!”). However, it was wildly popular across other audiences and the second half of this new season really blew me away. It’s not hard to see the parallels between the grueling and frustratingly finite nature of the restaurant industry and the act of making true art yourself. Jeremy Allen White is doing tremendous work on this show, but it’s far from the only standout acting performance. Ebon Moss-Bachrach, Ayo Edebiri and Lionel Boyce are not actors I knew before this series and they each have earned some newfound respect from me. The Chicago of it all is still a huge component of the show, but it earned its stripes as a series that’s more than a showcase for a city’s food culture. The Bear simultaneously highlights how difficult running a restaurant is, the tortuous nature of creative pursuits and the push-and-pull relationship we often have with our family. You’ll be saying “yes chef” in no time by watching The Bear.
Speaking of deliberately organized art, the latest Wes Anderson movie, Asteroid City, is out and I saw it in theaters not too long ago. Anderson is a director I’ve both enjoyed and enjoyed poking fun at over the years. It’s similar to my ongoing love-hate relationship with hipster culture as a whole. Sometimes, I’m extremely into what Anderson has to say and his well-established house style within films. For example, I absolutely love The Royal Tenenbaums and I liked The Grand Budapest Hotel quite a bit, too. But I thought that The French Dispatch was annoying and pretentious and movies like The Darjeeling Limited didn’t do much for me either. Thankfully, Asteroid City is in the good camp of my Wes Anderson judgments. There’s still a dollhouse-like perfection to Asteroid City that's become increasingly more ingrained in the Wes Anderson style. But there are plenty of moments of delightful messiness here that haven’t been part of his recent films. Most of the standard Wes Anderson actors show up in this one like Jason Schwartzman, Jeffrey Wright, Tilda Swinton, Edward Norton and Adrien Brody. Anderson is a master at creating richly designed (and dressed) characters who all seem incredibly well read or literature-focused, while also being entertaining or intriguing characters. This particular story felt somewhat autobiographical to Anderson himself, as it's largely about the process of writing an elaborate play. This is a very long-winded way of me saying that this is one of his better films. It’s funny, precise about the era it exists in and it certainly won’t disappoint people who love Wes Anderson.
I’m not a climate change expert or a man of science, but I think we can all agree that there’s something unusual going on with the weather on this planet, right? I’ve lived in the Midwest for 30+ years and I’d never experienced a two-day air disruption from Canadian wildfire smoke until two weeks ago. All over the world, it seems like disastrous weather outcomes are more and more common and happening in places they’ve not historically seen before. You can add this to the list of troubling signs from our environment. Apparently, we are pumping so much water from underground that it’s shifting the axis of Earth. We don’t feel it on a day-to-day basis, but Earth is constantly spinning on a north-south axis at a rate of about 1,000 miles per hour at a 23.4 degree, tilted angle. According to a study that examined the years between 1993 to 2010, “humans extracted more than 2,150 gigatons of groundwater from inside Earth” and, for those who aren’t mathematically inclined, one gigaton is about 2.2 trillion pounds of water. If we were to pour this much water into the Earth’s oceans, it would raise global sea levels by 0.24 inches. That’s a lot of water! The results of this study concluded that this removal of groundwater has shifted Earth’s axis by 31 inches since 1993. Again, I’m not smart enough to know what this means long term for us. But deliberately affecting Earth’s axis tilt seems like a potentially horrendous thing for humankind and I think that this new, extreme weather we’re experiencing might be related to that planetary shift. If nothing else, it makes you wonder why we all aren’t doing as much as we can to eliminate waste, use water properly and be more environmentally friendly.