Tuesdays with Tom: Every Guy at a Bachelor Party
When you picture the ancient Greek city-state of Sparta, you probably think of a bunch of shirtless warriors who fiercely defended their nation. Oh wait, that was actually the movie 300. Perhaps you think of the Michigan State Spartans, who honor their legacy with their mascot, Sparty. War and battle are synonymous with Sparta’s legacy. But you may be surprised to learn that Sparta is also the original source of the bachelor party. It began around the 5th century BC when Spartan soldiers would give toasts to their male friend the night before his wedding. The purpose was to honor the groom on his last night as a free man with one celebratory dinner. Over the next few thousand years, the concept transformed into a weekend long event with debauchery on the menu. In 1896, P.T. Barnum’s grandson threw a bachelor party so raucous that it “was raided by police after rumors circulated that a famous belly dancer would be performing nude.” It is allegedly the first record instance of a bachelor party incorporating female dancers. Some countries refer to bachelor parties as stag parties or buck parties. By 1922, the term “bachelor party” was commonly known and accepted worldwide.
Today, it’s estimated that Millennial men and women spend an average of $1,532 on one bachelor or bachelorette party. They are often cross-country endeavors featuring a double-digit sized group and essentially double as destination vacations for everyone involved. It’s no longer something people do the night before their wedding and it’s usually way more than a single evening. Currently, I am in the thick of my bachelor party era. Many of my friends are getting married and I’ve been lucky enough to be asked to go to five bachelor parties in the last two years. There will be many more in the next several years. As such, I’ve learned that every person plays a role in a bachelor party. I’ve identified the specifics of each role and perhaps you will know where you’ve slotted by the time you’re done reading it. If you’ve been to a bachelor or bachelorette party, prepare for a trip down memory lane. For future attendees, I recommend taking notes so you can be ready for your first time. I can’t comment on bachelorette parties directly, but for ease of reading I’m going to talk from the male perspective and assume that there’s a strong overlap between the two.
“The Groom”
There’s no right or wrong way to be the groom. It’s your event. The main thing you need to do is be present and thankful. Hopefully, you’ve picked a good best man to plan things for you. I haven’t heard of any grooms being the LVP of their own bachelor party because it’s a very hard thing to screw up. You’d have to be exceptionally poorly behaved to piss people off. Even if you do, there’s a good chance no one will bring it up to you during the weekend. So sit back, relax and enjoy being king for a weekend. You may never get the chance again!
“The Best Man”
It traditionally falls on the best man to lead the charge and plan the weekend for everyone. A good best man relieves the groom of any stress or concerns. A great best man does all of that, makes the groom feel like the best guy ever, handles all of the logistics with the rest of the group AND still has fun himself. It’s no small task for the best man. I guess that’s why some people say they’re the best.
“The No Drama, All Fun Guy”
There’s nothing really at stake for this guy. He’s usually not in the groom’s wedding party and he’s just here to have a good time. He never complains about the plans and couldn’t care less who he rooms with in the rental house. He’s a flexible piece. He provides energy when the moment calls, but also knows when it’s time to call it a night. He’ll help a struggling guy out without causing a scene for the others. In fact, this guy sometimes goes unnoticed because of the actions of others. But he’s happy with that and the observant ones recognize his value to the group.
“The Way Too Into It Guy”
This is a guy who doesn’t get out as much as he used to. Maybe he’s married. Maybe his girlfriend’s got him on a tight leash. Whatever it is, this weekend has been circled on his calendar in bold, red marker for a long time. He’s at the airport slamming beers well before his flight. He’s aggressively into the idea of being out really late and getting up to no good. By dinner time, he’s slurring his words and potentially making a scene. Look out if it carries over into the next day because it will get worse before it gets better. Then he’ll go home after the weekend and pretend that he didn’t act like a rage monster for 48 hours.
“The Poor Planner”
Every group’s got one of these guys. He has no idea what the agenda is and likely doesn’t care. He’ll need several reminders to pay for the lodging or other things and be near last to actually do it. He’ll show up a day late because he forgot to ask for the day off at work. Or he’ll book an inconvenient flight time because he waited too long to get the good ones. He is a mortal lock to complain about the financial ramifications of every move during the weekend. He’s the type of guy who tries to say he shouldn’t pay for any appetizers since he “didn’t want any”, but also waits until people are finished to have a few bites. He orders the cheapest drinks available at every bar. He doesn’t bring appropriate clothing or attire for the weekend’s events and generally lacks a sense of direction. He’ll be surprised when he figures out he’s sharing a room or a bed with someone. Nothing goes right for this guy, but that’s usually how he rolls.
“The Guy Who Secretly Doesn’t Want to Be There”
This guy could double dip as The Poor Planner. He can be a hard one to spot out, but there are a few hints. He feels obligated to go, but quietly wishes he was at home. He may tell the group he can’t join the first night because he couldn’t get the day off at work. The truth is he never submitted the request. He participates in each event with caution and pretends like he’s having a great time. Meanwhile, his significant other is blowing up his phone the whole weekend asking for updates. He sneaks off to take a nap during the day and may possibly sleep through the final night out. He’s on the first flight home as soon as it’s appropriate. He thinks you never got wise to the fact that he never wanted to be there. But everyone knows.
“The Long Lost Friend”
This guy is barely hanging on in the friend group. He hasn’t talked to people outside of a group text in years. Nobody knows what he’s up to day to day. However, he’s been around long enough where not inviting him could be seen as an insult. So here he is! This is a high variance role in a bachelor party. On one hand, he could provide a throwback performance reminding everyone why he was beloved in the first place. On the other hand, he may do the exact opposite and leave a lasting memory that no one wants. It really comes down to effort, something this gentleman usually lacks. What happens during the trip is anyone’s guess.
“The ‘Ruined After Night #1’ Guy”
This one could apply to multiple people, but it’s a lock to happen to at least one guy. It’s an exciting time at a bachelor party and it can be easy to get carried away. Especially on the first night when everyone is first arriving. Of course, you want to have fun, but don’t overdo it. Otherwise, you could become Ruined After Night #1 Guy. No one will care if you’re exhausted by the end of the weekend. But if you are slacking after one night, prepare to be the butt of many jokes for the rest of the trip. You can still potentially turn things around with the right attitude and some liquid IV. It’s probably better to start strong and stay that way.
“The Future Brother-in-Law”
By far the biggest wild card of any bachelor party is the future brother-in-law. Everyone has a different relationship with their in-laws. But most of the time, this guy is an outsider to the group. He’s got the toughest job of anyone there. He has to immediately convince a group of best friends to like him, accept him into the fold and somehow carve out his own niche in a really short time. Age is certainly a factor. And let’s face it, it’s not easy for an established group of guys to make new friends. This is a role where even batting .250 would be considered a big victory. It’s best to put on a happy face and try to feel out the vibe of the group before diving all in. Otherwise, it can become disastrous in a few conversations.
“The Actual Brother”
I’ll be a lot more familiar with this role next year, but this is a tough spot to describe. Not everyone is best friends with their brothers, but some brother relationships barely check the box of civil. I doubt anyone who is inviting their brother to their bachelor party is doing so under poor terms. So it’s a fairly safe bet that any brother on a bachelor party is probably going to work out for the others. On the positive side, some people are really tight with their brothers and it can enhance the experience for the friends who don’t always interact with them. Brothers have a unique language with one another and can provide invaluable information and energy to a group setting. And unlike friends, there’s almost nothing a brother can do at a bachelor party that can damage their relationship to the groom. Basically, it’s a good spot to be in if you’re game for the trip.
“Not in the Wedding, But at the Bachelor Party Guy”
It’s an honor to be in someone’s wedding party. But it’s a big commitment with a lot of formal requirements. It’s secretly way easier to be this guy. If you’re invited to a bachelor party, you mean a lot to the groom. But you also don’t have any expectations when the big day arrives other than being there. Similarly, you get to enjoy this purely fun trip with the guys and avoid all of the responsibilities of the wedding party later on. There’s no pressure on this guy whatsoever to be on good behavior and even if he’s not, he’s not going to be locking arms with your future wife’s best friends at your wedding. In this case, being “close but no cigar” is actually the real metaphorical cigar of the weekend.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
In the last two episodes of Friday Night Beers, Vince and I tried Stella Artois and Sierra Nevada. Everyone’s heard of these beers and I think you’ll enjoy our conversation about both. Please subscribe, rate and review our podcast here, follow our Instagram page and Twitter account for relevant updates!
Without a doubt, my favorite show on TV right now is The Boys on Amazon Prime. This superhero dark satire is currently on its third season airing weekly on Fridays. This show is only getting better with age. It regularly makes me laugh and shocks me with some of the most obscene violence TV has ever produced. They burn through the plot so quickly I’m amazed at how they continue the story along. In my opinion, Antony Starr as Homelander is the best TV acting performance going today. And that’s saying a lot! If you like smart satirical writing and you can stomach hard R-rated jokes and violence, The Boys will deeply satisfy people who invest their time in it.
Everything Everywhere All At Once might be the most original and creative movie I’ve seen in many years. As the title implies, A24’s latest hit is a multitude of things simultaneously. It’s a grounded, family drama about difficult relationships. It’s also a rousing, sentimental journey across an infinite number of multiverses. It’s both one of the funniest and deepest movies I can recall. It’s insanely weird and delightfully chaotic almost every moment after the opening 20 minutes. Basically, it’s everything I wish that movies can be outside of the dominant Hollywood franchise products we usually see. You can stream it now and I’d say it’s well worth the existential journey it promises the audience.
I’ve been on a space kick lately and read a news report about NASA’s Voyager probes. NASA is decreasing their watts output in the hopes to extend their mission through 2030. In 1977, Voyager 1 and Voyager 2 were launched into space with the goal of reaching Jupiter and Saturn. They quickly fulfilled this mission and took some of the most breathtaking images of space known to humanity. There’s a pretty cool video showing some of these iconic images. This mission has lasted far longer than NASA ever imagined as both probes remain in flight. In 1998, Voyager 1 became the farthest traveled human-made space object at over 6.5 billion miles away from Earth. Today, both probes are 12 billion and 14.5 billion miles away respectively. It is likely that they will lose communication with both Voyagers in 2030. If they were to be discovered, each probe has a “golden record” that includes 115 images, greetings in 55 different languages, Earth sounds and 90 minutes of music. Personally, I think it’s incredible that these probes are still out there and that we’ve gathered so much information from them since 1977. In case you didn’t already know how insanely big the universe is, it will be 20,000 years before these probes pass the nearest star, Proxima Centauri. Wow! What will our world look like then? You’ll have to fill me in from the afterlife. I wish these non-sentinent machines the best of luck as they literally drift into the deepest voids of space.
I have a confession to make about a misheard lyric. For some reason, the ABBA song “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!” is having a surge in popularity on TikTok. Like a lot of TikTok trends, I have no idea where it began and am equally confused about its staying power. But I’ve been hearing it a lot and I’m embarrassed to say that I thought the chorus line was “gimme gimme gimme a BATH after midnight” instead of what it actually is, “a man”. In hindsight, it makes a lot more sense that ABBA would be talking about men in the context of the song. But did that stop me from imagining a scenario where these frustrated women want to take a late night bath? Nope! I’m calling myself out on this because I need to be held accountable and for you to know that I’m just like you. I have idiotic thoughts too.
I recently bought concert tickets for a show coming up in the fall (it’s Turnstile, for anyone who was curious). I was initially excited to hear they were doing a presale for their new tour dates and I set a reminder to log in right as the sale began. But anyone who has done this before knows that this “presale” terminology is highly misleading. You don’t get a price discount. You just get early access to tickets before they are open to the general public. But they have so many of these presales that by the time the “general public” gets a chance, it’s nearly sold out. So much for exclusivity. I thought my tickets were going to cost $39.50. Instead, my final total was $63.63. Why? It’s those damn Ticketmaster fees. How the fuck is it acceptable that 38% of the cost of my concert ticket is going to FEES? It’s because of this that the average concert ticket has increased from $25.81 in 1996 to $87.10 last year. That’s more than triple the amount and that figure is widely outpacing the inflation we’re experiencing today. None of that accounts for what happens when those tickets hit the resale market. Right now, if you want to buy this same Turnstile ticket, you’re paying at least $80 after fees. John Oliver broke down Ticketmaster’s devilish scheme in great detail a few months ago. In short, they have basically created a monopoly within the live event space and are almost exclusively the only ticket provider available for most major venues in the United States. As such, they can pretty much do whatever they want and bully artists into agreeing to their terms. I want to support musicians I appreciate by attending their shows and I fully understand that this is their biggest revenue driver in their industry. But I don’t get why I have to pay a ticket vendor nearly as much just to process my fucking tickets (on my phone by the way!) for that show. If you’re in the same boat on this, just know I’m as unhappy as you are.