Tuesdays with Tom: Bark Twice in Milwaukee
How do you say the words “good”, “beautiful” or “pleasant” in Algonquin? Let me ask you a different way. What do you call the 31st largest city in America? Fine, I’ll ask you a third way. What place Ron Burgundy ask his dog to bark twice for if he was there? If you answered “Milwaukee” to any of those questions, you’re correct on all three! YAHOO! I bet you weren’t expecting that opening. Then again, what else did you expect? Someone call Kurt Angle because it’s true, it’s true. I went to Milwaukee. This might not be your first thought for a weekend getaway, but when you live in my town Milwaukee is both tantalizingly close and yet far enough where you have to really think about how badly to want to make the trip there. In my previous years, I’ve only either passed through Milwaukee or taken in a Brewers game without venturing outside of the parking lot or stadium. I figured it was time to spend more than a few hours there and after a Tuesdays with Tom icon, good ole Ned, decided to move there, I finally found the perfect excuse to go there. I couldn’t go alone so myself and a pair of Riverside legends got into a Subaru and made the 80 mile journey to Cream City.
Driving from Illinois through Wisconsin is a familiar trek for me. You know the switch is official when you start seeing meats and cheese curds and New Glarus brewed 12-packs at convenience stores. One of those items you rarely find in Illinois and the other one is not allowed in the state. They take meat, cheese and beer pretty seriously. I don’t know many states that have castles dedicated to cheese, but on the drive to Milwaukee you can pass the Mars Cheese Castle and have your fill of royally knighted dairy. No, I didn’t stop there but I did grab a nice back of meat and cheese curds at a local QuikTrip. Coincidentally, last week I watched an episode of Patriot Act on Netflix that detailed how Milwaukee had one of the most highly concentrated system of highways of any American city. I’d noticed this before but I never realized it had a political background. Apparently the billionaire Koch brothers had a large hand in convincing Scott Walker to kill public transit in Milwaukee. A day before we left one of those brothers died. This was a real thing I thought about as the sun was setting into our arrival in Milwaukee.
ANYWAYS, we finally arrived to a lovely home in East Milwaukee to kick off the weekend. The place is sandwiched between a brewery called Good City and a vegetarian restaurant called Strange Town. I’ve been to some good cities and some strange towns. Calling Milwaukee a cross between those two might be a fair analysis. It’s reminiscent of a large scale Madison and a smaller Chicago simultaneously. The trip promised to find elements both strange, good and strangely good. After getting settled in, we made a quick walk to Ian’s Pizza. Those who know the University of Wisconsin well might be familiar with Ian’s Pizza. For $4 a slice, you can get some delicious pizza of a variety of flavors. You might be wondering why a Chicago native would eat pizza in a Wisconsin city. Fear not Chicago blowhards, this pizza is worth your time. And if you’re insistent on keeping in the Badger state’s theme, you can get the mac and cheese pizza (their all-time best seller) like I did and bathe in it’s flavor. I also recommend the Smokey and the Bandit: a BBQ chicken, mozzarella, bacon, ranch and cheddar amalgamation of tastes. Two of those slices should be enough and I’d happily try other slices on that menu any day. From there, we decided to go to a bar named appropriately for our group. It’s called Hooligan’s and they’re dog friendly with Moon Man on tap. That’s a great combination in my book. The patio seating was a great setting for a summer Milwaukee night.
We took another detour at the apartment to meet some of Ned’s other roommates. One flagship housemate is a black lab sweetheart named Stevie. She’s a great dog and very friendly with everyone. If you’re going to get a dog, get one like Stevie. The other unexpected housemate is a male python snake named Apollo. No relation to the Creed family of boxers. He just turned one year old and he’s about a foot long. Now I certainly had some expectations about this trip, but never in my wildest thoughts did I imagine that my right forearm would be draped in a live python for well over a minute. Looks like I’ve got one thing on Indiana Jones. What a surreal experience. We’re definitely trending towards Strange Town. Both of these creatures are owned by Ned’s third roommate and sister. She was a great host and co-piloted with Ned to show us around the city.
Conveniently, the apartment is near one of the most hopping streets in Milwaukee. Brady Street reminded me of Frenchman Street in New Orleans, but without the putrid smell and significantly less seafood on the menu. Nomad’s patio was so full on this night, we couldn’t even go in. But the $3 PBRs tasted just fine inside or out. We wanted to venture elsewhere and on the journey there, we did a double take at a bar that appeared to be an alley with one bartender in it. It’s called Milwaukee’s Smallest Bar (stylized as MKE’s) and at full capacity this place holds 15 people. If we had brought Stevie and Apollo, we would have taken up half the bar. It’s sandwiched between Malone’s and Club Brady’s and co-owned by both places. The jovial bartender was happy to tell us the history of the place that he’s likely told hundreds of times before. Honestly, I could have stayed there all night. But I’ll have to return another time because we wanted to see more of the town. One more stop at Halliday’s Lounge for a night cap was good enough for us. I jokingly called it “Guy’s Only” and I don’t think the patrons of this place would dispute the claim. They got plenty of New Glarus items on tap too.
After a fun night of shenanigans and snakes, we needed to refuel in the morning and the 24-hour diner called Ma Fischer’s was the elixir we needed. I enjoyed a nice country skillet that my two friends felt compelled to copy. Max inadvertently put himself on “pancake island” as he described it. You can’t go wrong in a skillet state or on a pancake island here. We all left very happy and even grabbed a complementary sticker on the way out. We listened to some nostalgic pop punk music and then milled around in the backyard for a few hours before taking a ride to one of Milwaukee’s biggest staples, Lakefront Brewery. This is a massive brewery perched on under the Holton Street Bridge and on the Milwaukee River. It’s a good, beautiful and pleasant way to enjoy some great beers and the spicy garlic cheese curds from the outdoor food truck. You can do a guided tour if you’d like. We saw the end of one coming out of the back and everyone was high fiving each other. That must be a fun tour. I’ll have to do that next time.
The signature event of the day was attending the Milwaukee Brewers home game against the Arizona Diamondbacks. We wanted an authentic experience so after we were done with Lakefront Brewery, we rode downtown to a bar called Who’s on Third? That’s not a question. That’s how they spell it there. I thought Who was on first. I guess he’s moved two bases over in Milwaukee. Nevertheless, you can pay this place $100 to have your name on a plaque and a bottle of hard liquor for yours to drink anytime you arrive there. That’s a hefty investment but hey it’s a cool move if you’re willing to make that commitment. We killed some time there before riding a free shuttle from there to the Brewers game. Now that’s a good setup! A woman on the bus said that our friend looked like Ryan Braun. He was happy to accept the comment. Once we arrived at the game, we headed up to our nosebleed seats. That’s a bit misleading because there really isn’t a bad view at this beautiful park. It was nickname night for the players which made it a bit confusing to figure out people I didn’t know. Each player had their nickname on the back of their jerseys. One of the nicknames was “3 Kids” which raised several questions for me. Is this a new nickname? Did this man tell everyone he was having three kids when HE was a kid? Did he misunderstand the entire premise of the nickname idea?
The highlight of the game was undoubtedly when Eric “Phone Home” Thames hit a home run and then the very next pitch, Trent “Grish” Grisham hit it out of the park too. The Brewers are in the middle of a playoff race and they played like it on this night. The night was momentarily interrupted by Andrew Luck’s shocking retirement, but it didn’t stop the Brewers from earning a 4-0 victory. We took the shuttle back to Who’s on Third and celebrated with the fans. We decided that we needed a quick break again after the game and watched the tail-end of the Miami-Florida college football game. That was just as sloppy as some of the people on the shuttle from the Brewers game, but not as entertaining. One more night on Brady Street was the right call and I got irrationally invested in the Hawaii-Arizona college football game at a place called Jack’s. I’m just all over the place with my random one-day sports allegiances on this trip.
We could have spent many more hours and days in this lovely place, but forever was not an option for us. Instead, we targeted one more highly regarded lunch spot on the way out. Points East Pub is a very unassuming bar with one signature item: the chicken wings. They only serve it in one sauce and you get your choice of get six, twelve or eighteen wings. I opted for twelve wings and a hefty side of cheese curds for the third time this weekend. We essentially all ordered the same thing. I’d have to look at a list, but these are arguably in the top-5 wings of my lifetime. They aren’t messy at all, they’re packed with flavor and the curds are a perfect compliment. Sean Evans should make a beeline for this place if he hasn’t already. Ultimately, it was a perfect way out of dodge because you can do a lot more in Milwaukee than they advertise. It is a good city and a strange town. I don’t think they’d have it any other way.
Tom’s Thoughts of the Week
Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck sent shockwaves through the sports world when he abruptly announced his retirement from the NFL on Saturday night. The 29-year-old wunderkind seemed to be in remarkable emotional and physical pain at his press conference. I think it’s the most shocking NFL news of the decade and certainly the most shocking retirement of my lifetime I can recall. Despite being wrecked with a litany of brutal injuries, Luck posted a great 2018 season and seemed well positioned to thrive in the NFL for several more years. It’s basically unprecedented for a quarterback of his age and talent to walk way from football with so many potential years left. What I’ll always remember about Luck is how he lived up to the staggering hype coming out of Stanford. When he was going through the draft process in 2012, every single scout and football analyst proclaimed him as the most can’t miss QB prospect of his generation. He immediately delivered on that promise and his incredible toughness through injuries finally caught up with him in 2017. He missed the entire season and it was a legitimate question whether or not he’d ever return to form. He did last year. His franchise failed to put a quality offensive line around him and in one season, he was pressured or sacked an average of 16 times a game. 16 times! When you play a sport that is the equivalent of getting into a car crash every hit, that takes a considerable toll on your body. And yet, Luck put up with it all and usually had a smile on his face. He complimented players who sacked him. He geeked out about reading and started a well-known book club. He was unique and unapologetically himself. The NFL needs more Andrew Lucks. He’s a genuinely great guy and I have no doubt he will succeed in any avenue he decides to participate in. As much as it sucks for Colts fans to have their franchise quarterback walk away from football two weeks before a promising season, there’s simply no excuse for booing the guy who is doing something he thinks is best for his life. I don’t want to hear anyone’s takes about how their uncle works at a steel mill and he never complains. Yes, Andrew Luck got fabulously wealthy playing football. There’s also a ridiculously small fraction of human beings who could ever last one hit in an NFL game without crumbling. We don’t really know the full extent of how much pain he’s in, but it’s bad enough for him that he’s walking away from a potential earning of $500 million more in contracts. He didn’t seem happy playing football anymore. I’ll miss watching him play but I hope he finds happiness.
Here’s news that is simultaneously a surprise and a non-surprise. Variety reported last week that there’s a Matrix sequel in the works, with Keanu Reeves and Carrie Anne-Moss reprising their starring roles as Neo and Trinity. It’s been so long since a Matrix movie was released that the original trilogy’s directors, The Wachowski brothers, are now the Wachowski sisters! I don’t mean to be glib about these two trans women, but The Matrix Revolutions came out 16 years ago. It’s been awhile and Lana Wachowski is the only returning sibling in this sequel. The Matrix was a cinematic classic that posited mind-blowing theories about our reality. The two sequels that followed were more style than substance, to be polite. So why come back? It’s pretty simple. Keanu Reeves is on a career heater and arguably the most beloved Internet celebrity of the moment. He’s proven he can carry an action franchise into his 50s courtesy of the excellent John Wick movies. This also capitalizes on the never-ending trend of rebooting nostalgic film properties. This could be great or terrible. We’ll see!
They say it’s never too late to fall in love. According to Larry King, it’s also never too late to get divorced! The 85-year-old talk show host is filing for divorce with his wife of 22 years, 59-year-old Shawn Southwick King. You’re not going to believe this but the rumor is she was unfaithful in the relationship. You mean she didn’t want to sleep with this guy?! This might seem like completely pointless news, but when you get divorced for the EIGHTH TIME, you get my full attention. That’s right people. Larry King has been married and now divorced eight different times. If he was a National League baseball team, he’d be through an entire lineup of hitters striking out. Let’s recap them all. At age 19, King married Freda Miller in 1952. They annulled the marriage in 1953. At age 28, he married Annette Key in 1961. They divorced in 1961 (that’s the same year by the way). At age 28, he married a Playboy Bunny named Alene Akins in 1961. They divorced in 1963. At age 30, he married Mickey Stuphin. They divorced in 1967. At age 34, he married Alene Akins for the SECOND time. They divorced for the SECOND time in 1972. At age 43, he married Sharon Lepore. They divorced in 1983. At age 56, he married Julie Alexander. They divorced in 1992. I’ll stop briefly here to state that this means by the time I was finally born, Larry King had started and extinguished seven different marriages. Let’s finish this up. At age 64, he married Shawn Southwick and she was his most recent wife until now. They dated for 9 months before getting married in a hospital room in 1997 just before he underwent surgery to remove a blood clot. Call me crazy, but maybe you shouldn’t be getting married for the 8th time right before heart surgery!!! King has three more divorces than he does actual children. Larry, I don’t know you and you’ll be dead before we ever meet. But for the love of all humanity, STOP IT!!!!!!!
Looks like Browns quarterback Baker Mayfield is on pace to surpass Jalen Ramsey for the title of “king of unearned, unnecessary shit talking.” He gave an interview to GQ and for some reason decided to say that he was “blown away” that the Giants drafted QB Daniel Jones this year. He cited that some teams “forget you have to win” and basically slammed the pick. The Browns and Giants hardly ever play and Mayfield seemingly has no relationship with Jones. It was a complete jab at Jones out of nowhere. In the same interview, he admitted that when he apologized for planting a flag in the center of Ohio State’s field after a 2017 victory, he didn’t mean it at all. That’s fine, but it sort of calls into question how truthful any of his apologies are going forward. Of course, he did apologize and claimed he was misquoted. I’m not buying it and I don’t know how you could be misquoted saying something like that. He has a proven history of trash talking and public bravado. Plus, it behooves Mayfield to be anti-Giants so he can make his new teammate and ex-Giant, Odell Beckham, Jr., happy. So I don’t think it’s a coincidence he said this either. Mayfield better back up all of this hype. Just ask Jalen Ramsey how trashing every single NFL quarterback last year went...
Nowadays, political comedy is the core substance of late night TV. What I like about Hasan Minhaj’s Netflix show Patriot Act is that he engages with serious material but peppers in plenty of non-sequitur jokes to keep it about entertainment. Case in point, his most recent episode is about public transit and how the Koch brothers are leveraging their considerable wealth to kill this industry across America. Did you know that public transit receives more negative tweets than “social welfare programs, the IRS and airlines.” Yikes! This is a very insightful piece of comedy and information and Minhaj expertly toes the line between insight and belly laughs. I recommend you check out that episode. I learned a lot and laughed along the way.
I stumbled upon a new Matthew McConaughey movie called The Beach Bum. Holy shit this is a wild ride. This is a stoner comedy cranked up to the highest level. McConaughey plays a man named Moondog, an award winning poet who spends every second of his life drunk and high and enjoying his minor celebrity status in the Florida Keys. In the first 15 minutes of the movie alone, he takes a woman into a restaurant kitchen and spanks her with a spatula, throws a tuba player off a boating dock and smokes two of the biggest marijuana joints in movie history. And that’s just the beginning! Every second of this movie, Moondog is holding a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon. This very small film somehow got Jonah Hill, Isla Fisher, Snoop Dogg (!!) and Martin Lawrence playing a dolphin tour guide named Captain Wack (!!!!!!!!!). At one point, Moondog leads a parade of homeless people with a broom as his scepter down the streets of Miami. This movie is rated a hard R, but if you have Hulu and you’re looking to watch a hysterical act of hedonistic living and a virtuoso performance from McConaughey, I highly recommend it.