The Mailbag Strikes Back

Answering questions about March Madness expansion, fixing the Bulls, the Bears rookie class, Mother's Day, Aaron Rodgers uncertainty and fake names

Welcome back to Tuesdays with Tom: the mailbag. We’ve got another round of reader questions. Let’s get into it.

Why is the NCAA expanding March Madness to 76 teams?

• College Sports fans

Because they can! I’ve never loved the phrase “this is why we can’t have nice things” and I’m sure Gen Z considers it a cringe Millennial bit. But honestly, THIS is why we can’t have nice things. March Madness is the most entertaining American sports championship format. It gives more than enough teams a fair shot. Yes, they technically expanded from 64 to 68 teams in 2011. But the First Four is like the bread service of March Madness. You can skip it. Expanding to 76 teams is like asking the waiter for three tequila shots before you sit down. It’s totally unnecessary and stupid.

This proposal adds 12 games to the Tuesday and Wednesday before the 64-team field begins. It will further dilute the tournament field, most likely with undeserving Power 4 conference teams. The funniest part? The NCAA is locked into this current television contract through 2032. They can’t even make more television revenue for at least five years. It does give conferences like the SEC and Big Ten more opportunities to get paid per team, and that’s what counts the most here.

It’s maddening to watch our institutions get watered down by corporate greed. This is no different than my stance on the College Football Playoff. There is no competitive benefit in expanding to 76 teams. It is only about money and, in this specific instance, it’s not even a significant profit increase. But don’t worry, this won’t stop until it affects the bottom line, if that ever happens.

You’ve just been named president of basketball operations for the Chicago Bulls. What is your plan to bring them back to contender status?

• John D.

Well, that was a quick stint for Bryson Graham, the new Executive Vice President of Basketball Operations in Chicago. He’s definitely more qualified than me, but I’ll play along. The only way I’m taking this position is with full autonomy and an unlimited budget. Let’s pretend that Jerry and Michael Reinsdorf have granted me this unique privilege.

With 10 unrestricted free agents this summer, the Bulls are essentially a blank canvas. My first move is to call Oklahoma City Thunder GM Sam Presti. “Mr. Presti, what’s it going to take to get you out of Oklahoma and into Chicago?” We’re offering a blank check to poach him from the Thunder. He’s intrigued by this unique opportunity to build a basketball team in the 3rd largest market in America. He’s intrigued enough to accept my Godfather offer.

We want to keep Josh Giddey, Matas Buzelis and 19-year-old Noa Essengue, the 2025 first round power forward. Tre Jones can stay at point guard for veteran depth. Our first shocker is waiving Patrick Williams. Flushing $72 million hurts, but he’s a sunk cost. We’ll still have plenty of money for free agent signings.

We’ll need to convince some respected veterans to teach these young pups how to prepare and win in the NBA. I’ll overpay for CJ McCollum to be that leader. I know we just traded Ayo Dosunmu for scraps, but he’s getting an offer to return. We’ll even consider bringing Anthony Davis home from Washington to sell some tickets. That’s a stretch!

Then, we’re focusing on the 2026 NBA Draft. Chicago just got an unexpected stroke of luck, moving up from 9th to 4th in Sunday’s NBA Draft Lottery. With AJ Dybansta and Darryn Peterson expected to go in the top two, we draft whoever is left between Caleb Wilson and Cameron Boozer. It’s an ideal match for a team desperate for frontcourt talent. Bulls fans will surely remember Carlos Boozer, the father of Cameron. Whoever it is, Presti will have the final call, with the help of our robustly staffed analytics department.

We need a coach for this team. I’m calling Jon Scheyer, an Illinois high school legend, to make him say “No” before we move forward. Assuming he does not want to leave Duke, we are giving the nod to Sean Sweeney, the associate head coach from San Antonio. This team is wildly deficient on defense. He was on the defensive staff for the Dallas Mavericks Finals run in 2024 and instrumental in taking Victor Wembenyama to the next level.

I’m a fan at heart, so I have a few ideas off the court that will be implemented. With declining fan engagement, we’re bringing back the free Big Mac promotion for every 100-point victory. Wait, aren’t most NBA games ending in triple digits these days? Yes, that’s the point. We want our fans to leave happy and remind them of better times.

We are also blowing out The Dunkin’ Race. Every night, live mascot versions of Dashing Donut, Biggie Bagel, Cuppy Coffee and the minxy Iced Cuppy will run on the court for the fans. Finally, I’ve got the greenlight from the Reinsdorfs to restore CHSN as a free over-the-air antenna channel. I’ll do my best to get CHSN back on packages like YouTube TV and Hulu Live.

It’s going to take time to rebuild this franchise, but we will be transparent, consistent and accountable. We’ll always protect our future. No more cashing in assets for short term gains. No more stinginess. We’re going to act like a big market franchise. This is my plan. Will anyone listen?

What do you think about the Chicago Bears draft? Are we all idiots, or is the defensive line not that bad?

• Vince F.

The Bears aren’t used to drafting 25th in the first round, which is a good thing. The downside is that you don’t get your top choices. You have to get creative. Mel Kiper gave them a B grade overall (Mel also famously melted down on air when Shedeur Sanders fell to the fifth round.) I don’t eat pumpkin pie daily, nor do I study the draft professionally, but I’d give a similar grade based on the research.

Chicago was the only team that didn’t draft a first round defensive player from 2019 to 2025. They were overdue for a prestige defender. I wouldn’t have predicted Oregon safety Dillon Thieneman to break the streak, but he’s an explosive athlete with versatility in the secondary. I’d be surprised if he’s the next Chris Conte for the Bears. Hopefully, he’s Mike Brown without the injuries.

The only first-round defensive lineman taken after Thieneman was Clemson’s Peter Woods. Would he have been better? Should they have reached for T.J. Parker, Kayden McDonald, Cassius Howell or Zion Young, all early second rounders? They all went between Thieneman and Logan Jones, the Iowa center they drafted in the second round. While they signed center Garrett Bradbury in the offseason, I don’t hate that pick.

I will join the chorus questioning their third round pick, Stanford tight end Sam Roush. They already have Colston Loveland and Cole Kmet, so drafting a reserve tight end that isn’t an elite blocker is a strange decision. Take a defensive lineman there, or trade up higher into the second round to get one of those other prospects. The crutch narrative is that Ben Johnson loves multi-tight end personnel, for whatever that is worth.

Actions speak louder than words. Ryan Poles didn’t draft a defensive lineman until the sixth round (Jordan Van den Berg). He clearly likes the group they have. The Bears think they’ll get healthier and improve organically. When you’re not drafting in the top 10, you have to make strategic compromises or bounce around the board. It’s fair to be skeptical of Poles, who I think gets a pass largely because of a few hit picks. However, this is not a ridiculous draft strategy.

By the way, one reader asked me if I think Ben Johnson is “Matt Nagy 2.0” for Chicago. He’s not. Nagy never won a playoff game with the Bears. He did win Coach of the Year in 2018, but that’s a cursed award with extremely flawed voting. Six of the last eight Coaches of the Year have been fired. Kevin O’Connell is still with Minnesota. The other active coach? Mike Vrabel. He actually won it twice with Tennessee and New England, and we’ve learned that he’s an epic two-timer in another department. Would you rather have him? I’ll wait for your answer.

When are you going to celebrate motherhood on Friday Night Beers?

How about right now! On the latest Friday Night Beers, we paid tribute to all the wonderful mothers out there with a Mother’s Day episode. Vince and I surveyed our moms with an identical set of pop culture questions. They told us about their favorite cultural moments from childhood, their icons, fandoms and events. They even shared their Mt. Rushmore of films. Later, we discussed some notable mom characters and wish casted our mothers into movies and television shows. We love our moms and appreciate them being good sports about all this! Please subscribe, rate and review our podcast here and follow our Instagram page for relevant updates.

Do you want Aaron Rodgers to return to the Pittsburgh Steelers?

• Chris K.

I wouldn’t say I “want” Rodgers Round Two in Pittsburgh. It’s more like Greg Kinnear and Matt Damon in Stuck on You. In 2025, Pittsburgh’s marriage with Aaron Rodgers was one of convenience. I compared it to an e-Harmony couple. Unfortunately for both parties, nothing has changed. It’s actually gotten a bit weirder, with Mike McCarthy replacing Mike Tomlin as the Steelers head coach. McCarthy coached Rodgers for 13 seasons in Green Bay. So, this is kinda like reuniting with your ex.

If a viable quarterback prospect was available for the Steelers, they would have drafted him. Instead, they took Will Howard in the sixth round last year, and Drew Allar with this year’s third round pick. It’s extremely unlikely that either will become a starting quarterback. Their other quarterback is Mason Rudolph, a career back-up. If they want to compete, they’re stuck with Rodgers for another season.

Rodgers is also stuck. Pittsburgh placed an unrestricted free agent tender on Rodgers, a seldom-used clause that puts him in a box. With this tender, the Steelers receive a compensatory draft pick if he signs with another team before July. After that, he has no other option but Pittsburgh. There is nowhere for Rodgers to go if he wants to play in 2026.

Rodgers is famously enigmatic and loves being difficult. I won’t pretend to know why he’s made this another dramatic spectacle. I’ll only offer a prediction that he signs before June 2, the first day of mandatory veteran minicamp with the Steelers. I don’t like it, but they made this bed together and they have no alternatives, like Kinnear and Damon.

What are your top 3 fake names of all-time?

• Lana Squiglionis

I really wish you asked this in another forum. It deserves a full dissection. Rick and Morty takes the crown for fake name inventors. It’s not particularly close. For my own sanity, I’m going to just pick three from this series. Otherwise, I will get incredibly overzealous (apologies to Eyehole Man, Squanchy and Mr. Meeseeks). So, here are my top three favorite fake names from Rick and Morty only, with a light promise to do a more comprehensive breakdown in the future.

#3) Ants In My Eyes Johnson

Rick and Morty changed the game with “Rixty Minutes”, a season one episode where Rick Sanchez installs a television box that shows programs from every alternative reality. The “Interdimensional Cable” episode made me fall head over heels for the show. “Rixty Minutes” capitalizes on Rick and Morty’s endless potential for absurdist hijinks. During one of the many fake commercials, we meet a tortured store owner named Ants In My Eyes Johnson. There’s no subtlety with this man. He tells you in great detail just how horrific his existence is. Johnson implores viewers to visit his electronics store, but given his extremely specific condition, he never knows what’s going on. He’s literally being robbed blind during his own ad. He summarizes his life perfectly. “I’m Ants In My Eyes Johnson! Everything’s black. I can’t see a thing, and also I can’t FEEL anything either. Did I mention that?”

#2) Abrodolph Lincoler

One of Rick’s most unhinged ideas comes back to haunt him in “Ricksy Business”, another standout season one episode. Abrodolph Lincoler is a gonzo DNA mixture of Abraham Lincoln and Adolf Hitler. Rick hypothesizes that the clone will be the perfect “morally neutral super leader”, but instead he turns out to be a “lame, weird loser.” Lincoler crashes Rick’s party to confront him about his existence. Later, when things go very sideways at the party, Lincoler sacrifices himself to save the family. Confusing? Ludicrous? Tragic? YOU DECIDE!

#1) Mr. Poopybutthole

This is the clear winner of the best fake Rick and Morty name. It’s so ridiculous that it becomes the punchline in “Total Rickall”, a season two episode where alien parasites implant falsely positive memories into human brains as an invasion tactic. “Total Rickall” is chock-full of outstanding fake names, but the core characters eventually deduce none of them are real. The lone exception is Mr. Poopybutthole, whose perfect friendship is rewarded with a real bullet to the chest.

Unlike other Rick and Morty one-off characters, Mr. Poopybutthole frequently re-appears throughout the series. His life slowly unravels into near oblivion, but there’s hope for him yet. We’ve not seen the last of this character and we’re better off for it. Honestly, I’d rather not type his name out again, but trust me on this: he’s one of the best fake name characters we’ve ever seen.